I don't know when I lost my ability to not get attached to men. Somewhere here in my late twenties I suppose. I guess it's because it takes a lot more energy for me to be with people these days than it did when I was spending countless nights at bars, and going home with someone was the same as going home alone only slightly more awkward in the morning.
When I am with someone now, which is far and few between for me these days, it means I really want to spend time with that person. Outside of being with them physically, I am willing to compromise my Netflix time and share my couch with them. This usually entails cooking a meal for more than just myself. And in most cases I even muster up the energy to not crawl into pajamas immediately after coming home from work. I understand that I am only 28 but I have a good job, a nice house, a car, responsibilities, all the fucking bills. I don't spend money like I used to, and that means a lot more time spent at home. And I am more than okay with that.
I guess I wouldn't want to be the love em' and leave em' type anymore any ways. But you open yourself up to more hurt and heartache when you genuinely care about the person you are spending time with and that person may not be looking for a relationship with you. I struggle constantly with whether or not to allow myself to be with a person, knowing I want more but still enjoying the time I spend with them. Or considering the alternative to cut them out of my life since we are clearly on different pages.
It's probably clear I am referring to a specific relationship in this. One that has been in the background of my life for about 4 years now. I am crazy about this kid. And even after all this time, adult me gets nervous butterflies every time I see him. His kiss is still electric to me, and I never tire of the time we spend together. But after 4 years we are still not exclusive. And I know I am keeping myself from meeting other people or being in other relationships when I become fully engulfed in our relationship like I have been the past two months. And I can't figure out if I am cheating myself out of something better, or if I am just doing what feels good for now knowing it isn't exactly what I am looking for.
I keep telling myself to manage my expectations with this one. That I know what we are and what we are not. But when you fall for someone, removing those feelings is not all that easy anymore. And I think once you fall for someone, it's hard to ever go back to a place where maybe you could feel unattached. I keep trying, and I keep coming up short.
I know what I want. Better yet, I know what I deserve. So maybe the question shouldn't be whether or not I can keep myself unattached from someone - but rather should I be with someone who doesn't want to get attached to me?
