I want to preface this blog by saying that I know this probably isn't the right forum for this, but I've been in a really dark place the past month or so - and I'm at a loss of what to do with it. It got bad last night and I am scared I need to get some of this out of me. So I am coming to the place that has made sense of a lot of bad days for me in the past and hoping that maybe pouring some of this out of my head and my heart will make some room to start healing.
I have suffered from depression my whole life. I'm pretty sure my whole life. I have no cognoscente memory of it, but I am sure my first thought coming out of the womb was unbearable disappointment that I was a baby. I was 13 years old when I wrote my first suicide note and was sent to speak to a consular. I was sent to an outpatient program at a mental heath facility when I was 19 and here we are again at 27 at the cusp of a pretty significant melt-down.
It started about 3 weeks ago, on a Tuesday, when my alarm went off for work. Unfortunately that morning my blankets decided to weigh about a million pounds and I couldn't move. The idea of getting up was daunting, showering seemed incredibly difficult, putting food in my mouth and chewing was not an option, so I came to terms pretty quickly with the fact that going to work was just downright impossible. Why this Tuesday, you ask? I have no idea. I have no idea what triggers my depression, or why some days it feels like there is an anvil sitting on my chest and I can't catch my breath when I am lying still. I haven't been able to figure it out in 27 years, so I don't have an answer for you now.
So I would miss a day of work, shake it off and go back the next day. But I didn't. In fact day two was even harder because day one made me realize how much better lying in bed and not being a person was that I wanted to do that as long as possible. The only reason I went back to work the following day after that is because I had been lying to my boyfriend about going into work and my guilt was starting to overpower my lack of desire to be a person.
This is the craziest part. I am in the happiest relationship of my life. It's stable, and I am supported and loved to no end. There is nothing I can't tell my boyfriend, and nothing I can do outside of harming myself or someone else that he wouldn't try with all his heart to understand. I have moments of stupid, over-the-top joy in the midst of this haze I've been living in. When we cook together. When we cuddle on the couch and laugh for hours. I think people believe that being depressed and not having any joy are mutually exclusive. And they aren't. I am very happy and loved, and love loving him. But it doesn't make the pain in my chest stop all the time. Just some of the time.
I managed to carry myself through last week trying to be more positive and having my boyfriend in my corner as I had come clean to him about everything from the week prior. He encouraged me to set daily goals for myself, and we made sure my appointment with the psychiatrist was close enough to get me by until I can reevaluate how I am going to work on being more chemically balanced. But every day was still a challenge. Sometimes just for a little while, sometimes for the whole day. There were many days of crying in the bathroom at work, for no apparent reason, but I would always go back to my desk and continue trying.
Yesterday was Tuesday again. Maybe I'm just not good with Tuesdays? I got through most of work just fine. At the very tail end of the day I ended up having what started off as a very on the surface discussion of work issues with a manager of mine which ended in me in full-blown tears trying to explain that I'm just not happy. And I don't know why or how to fix it. That got heavy fast, sorry boss.
I got home and cleaned, did the dishes, took out the trash and once my boyfriend got home I started cooking dinner. While I was watching the pot of water boil I started fixating on how stupid it was to break down to my boss. How unprofessional that was. And then I started thinking about my mom's car problems, and how I have no money to help her. And how I shouldn't worry about helping her because that's what my dad is supposed to do. And then I got mad that my dad wasn't here to help her. Or me. And then I thought about a 1200 water bill. And how now I was going to walk into the living room with these ravioli and be really sad. And how many days my boyfriend has had to deal with me being sad.
I got about half a bite of ravioli in my mouth before I started sobbing. Where do you even start in trying to explain to someone how and why you are crying into ravioli? We talked a while, and I just started to feel more and more guilty that my depression was becoming someone else's problem. So I was spiraling down and fast regardless of what my boyfriend could possibly had said to try and make it better. All of a sudden I had a thought I've never had before. It scared the shit out of me and it played over and over again in my head. I just kept thinking 'I have to go to the hospital'. I didn't want to kill myself. I wasn't ill. I don't know what I thought a hospital would of done for me except maybe create an excuse to not have to function in society for a while. Because I seem to be failing at it pretty fucking miserably these days.
I didn't go to the hospital. And I don't feel the need to go to the hospital anymore. At least not right now. And I don't know if I will again or if that was just some odd reaction to a new peak of depression for me. I'm up now. I showered. I am going to type a few more words on here, dry my hair and go to work. And then we'll see how the next few hours go I guess. I need to get back into therapy. Therapy costs money and that doesn't grow on trees - but I'm going to find a way to do it. And in the interim I'll just come back here when things don't make sense and write it down.
I want to live. I want to be happy and I want each day to not be a struggle. Right now I am just trying to find something to convince myself there is a light at the end of a tunnel I have been staring down for most of my life. And I will. I know I will. And I know I'm not alone. And I know depression is a thing. And I am no different than anyone else that wakes up and doesn't want to be a person for a while. So I'll keep trying. I promise I am trying.
6.10.2014
Human Rights and My Forgiveness for Elliot Rodger
I have spent the last few weeks immersed in the Elliot Rodger case. I took the time to read his manifesto and have read every article regarding the "Men's Rights Movement" and everything written in the #YesAllWoman movement in response to not only this heinous crime, but an overwhelming sub-culture of men that share the views of a 22 year old entitled boy that felt that with men being the superior gender they are owed something by women. The majority of what I have read from people that run the gamut of sharing his views, to those who just "understand where he is coming from with feeling rejected by women". It has been both eye-opening and incredibly saddening.
My first response was every suppressed feelings I've held onto since my own personal experiences from being victimized by men. The realization that I took at face value the mandatory meeting my first week in college that informed us of the big blue emergency poles that had been placed around the campus to run to to alert police if we were being attacked, to being told by adults in positions of authority explaining to a group of 18 year old girls that if we were being raped to scream "fire" instead of "rape" because people wouldn't respond or try to interject in a sexual assault.
Of course I was enraged to start looking at society from this perspective. A society where men spend their time playing video games where the characters are rewarded by attacking or objectifying prostitutes. The fact that some video game designer somewhere created the ability for a character to go and beat the shit out of woman, and that this hasn't raised any red flags that maybe we are subconsciously condoning this behavior towards woman. I have been told that in said game you can also beat the shit out of other men. Great. That really makes me feel like my point is lessened.
If I am going to look at the situation more objectively, and less from the perspective of a woman that has been both verbally and physically abused by men, I have started to evaluate the larger issue that I have been harassed by just as many women as I have men. Of course I have never been held down and forced to engage in sexual acts by a woman, I have been called a 'slut' 'whore' 'dumb cunt' and other things of that nature by my own gender. So if this is the way we are treating each other how can we spotlight just the male gender for their actions?
I haven't seen the anti-women sites run by women in which we discuss that some women are prettier, smarter, richer or better than we are. And that we should inflict pain on them for it in the same way that I have seen in the male community. But it's irrelevant when crime after crime is committed by the way both genders are viewing and treating women in 2014 after all we have done to create equal rights for blacks, gays, and other "sub-class" citizens. We have all just accepted that women will be mean to each other, and that women will grasp their car key in their hand while walking through a parking garage late at night. That we are given pepper-spray along with shower shoes and new bed sheets when we go out in the real world on our own.
I have always tried to turn away from tragedies like this, realizing that the publicity and attention is exactly what these people are looking for. But I also feel like now that I am aware that this is a relevant issue and as said by many men in the "Men's Movement" that they too are tired of being rejected by women and are ready to act out their own "Rodger" acts to teach the world that us "sluts" need to stop going after the "brutes" and give more attention to a group of people that spend their time putting us down on the internet rather than trying to meet us and create relationships with us, getting to know us as people and not just as a whole gender picking and choosing who we want to be with based off some societal view of what we want men to be.
I don't know how to fix this. I don't even know how to make my stomach settle or my hands stop shaking when I think about a mentality that would encourage men to seek out destruction because of rejection and heart-break. I haven't taken a gun to the men that have followed me to my car late at night, in the same way I haven't taken a gun to the guy who took me out on one date and then never called me again. There has to be a way to teach social interaction and respect not only towards women, but towards each other every day so we stop resorting to these violent actions as an only way out from a life of heartache and rejection.
I have survived 27 years of heartache and rejection. You know the difference? I was raised by parents who taught me to respect everyone. That everyone has a story and for better or worse, their life is just as valuable as my own despite how terrible their actions may sometimes be. That is why at the end of this tangent, and really left with no actual resolution on how to fix this huge and what feels insurmountable problem, I will say that I forgive Elliot Rodger. I forgive the men that don't see and value themselves enough to go out and find something worth living for. Mental illness aside, we have resources and we have each other. And if we can all just find it in our hearts to love and respect each other that maybe that will be a start to us viewing each other as equals. And that we'll want to stand up for each other, and not just ourselves, or our genders. But as a world full of humans just trying to find love and acceptance.
I am currently seeking out abuse and sexual assault organizations to help women who have been through similar situations as myself. And I want to do what little I can to offer the perspective that when something bad or "unfair" happens to you, you can do two things with it: you can use it to be stronger and make others stronger, or you can let it destroy you. Sometimes to the point where you can justify destroying others. And I will do everything in my power to help the world see the first option is far better.
My first response was every suppressed feelings I've held onto since my own personal experiences from being victimized by men. The realization that I took at face value the mandatory meeting my first week in college that informed us of the big blue emergency poles that had been placed around the campus to run to to alert police if we were being attacked, to being told by adults in positions of authority explaining to a group of 18 year old girls that if we were being raped to scream "fire" instead of "rape" because people wouldn't respond or try to interject in a sexual assault.
Of course I was enraged to start looking at society from this perspective. A society where men spend their time playing video games where the characters are rewarded by attacking or objectifying prostitutes. The fact that some video game designer somewhere created the ability for a character to go and beat the shit out of woman, and that this hasn't raised any red flags that maybe we are subconsciously condoning this behavior towards woman. I have been told that in said game you can also beat the shit out of other men. Great. That really makes me feel like my point is lessened.
If I am going to look at the situation more objectively, and less from the perspective of a woman that has been both verbally and physically abused by men, I have started to evaluate the larger issue that I have been harassed by just as many women as I have men. Of course I have never been held down and forced to engage in sexual acts by a woman, I have been called a 'slut' 'whore' 'dumb cunt' and other things of that nature by my own gender. So if this is the way we are treating each other how can we spotlight just the male gender for their actions?
I haven't seen the anti-women sites run by women in which we discuss that some women are prettier, smarter, richer or better than we are. And that we should inflict pain on them for it in the same way that I have seen in the male community. But it's irrelevant when crime after crime is committed by the way both genders are viewing and treating women in 2014 after all we have done to create equal rights for blacks, gays, and other "sub-class" citizens. We have all just accepted that women will be mean to each other, and that women will grasp their car key in their hand while walking through a parking garage late at night. That we are given pepper-spray along with shower shoes and new bed sheets when we go out in the real world on our own.
I have always tried to turn away from tragedies like this, realizing that the publicity and attention is exactly what these people are looking for. But I also feel like now that I am aware that this is a relevant issue and as said by many men in the "Men's Movement" that they too are tired of being rejected by women and are ready to act out their own "Rodger" acts to teach the world that us "sluts" need to stop going after the "brutes" and give more attention to a group of people that spend their time putting us down on the internet rather than trying to meet us and create relationships with us, getting to know us as people and not just as a whole gender picking and choosing who we want to be with based off some societal view of what we want men to be.
I don't know how to fix this. I don't even know how to make my stomach settle or my hands stop shaking when I think about a mentality that would encourage men to seek out destruction because of rejection and heart-break. I haven't taken a gun to the men that have followed me to my car late at night, in the same way I haven't taken a gun to the guy who took me out on one date and then never called me again. There has to be a way to teach social interaction and respect not only towards women, but towards each other every day so we stop resorting to these violent actions as an only way out from a life of heartache and rejection.
I have survived 27 years of heartache and rejection. You know the difference? I was raised by parents who taught me to respect everyone. That everyone has a story and for better or worse, their life is just as valuable as my own despite how terrible their actions may sometimes be. That is why at the end of this tangent, and really left with no actual resolution on how to fix this huge and what feels insurmountable problem, I will say that I forgive Elliot Rodger. I forgive the men that don't see and value themselves enough to go out and find something worth living for. Mental illness aside, we have resources and we have each other. And if we can all just find it in our hearts to love and respect each other that maybe that will be a start to us viewing each other as equals. And that we'll want to stand up for each other, and not just ourselves, or our genders. But as a world full of humans just trying to find love and acceptance.
I am currently seeking out abuse and sexual assault organizations to help women who have been through similar situations as myself. And I want to do what little I can to offer the perspective that when something bad or "unfair" happens to you, you can do two things with it: you can use it to be stronger and make others stronger, or you can let it destroy you. Sometimes to the point where you can justify destroying others. And I will do everything in my power to help the world see the first option is far better.
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