I Hate You, Patrick Dempsey.

I want to believe, with all my heart, that romance exists.  That what we all spend countless nights at smoke filled bars searching for, at the end of the day, is someone that makes your heart skip a beat, and the butterflies flutter around your tummy.  This notion is reaffirmed time and time again by television, movies, music and books that I allow myself to latch on to in hopes of living vicariously through characters that are helplessly, romantically, in love.

 

I have yet to experience a relationship like this, though.  Not to say that I haven't had some stellar moments with boyfriends.  But that relationship with McDreamy where he's always there when you need him, to kiss you passionately and tell you everything is going to be okay, or even just place his hand on the small of your back in a room full of people as that reminder of "You're mine", is not something that I have experienced first hand. I don't want to be unrealistic.  And I really do adore my boyfriend for sticking it out with me in our nontraditional, some times very frustrating, circumstance.  But if things were different, if he worked the same hours as me, lived just up the road, and had a constant flow of income, would the relationship be what I imagine in my head the perfect relationship to be?  Or would it just confirm that, circumstance aside, this notion of real romance doesn't truly exist.  If I were to draw it out, specifically, as to how I define this ideal romantic relationship to be, it seems pretty simple to me.  But I am a bit of a dreamer, a bit delusional, and a whole a lot of crazy.  So maybe it's not. 

 

I want to feel appreciated, daily.  I just want a text, or a phone call, or a big hug that says "Thanks for being my girlfriend, I think you're pretty great."  I want my significant other to wake up every once and a while and say "What can I do for my girlfriend today? Make her a sandwich, bring her a 99 cent flower from the gas station, show up at her door in my pajamas with a movie in hand?".  Because I truly believe that as selfish as I can be at times, I am that girlfriend that is constantly thinking up ways to do something special for him.  To remind him that he is great at whatever it is he is doing, to stay up late with hot wings to watch the bulls, or take us out once and a while for a romantic date.  I know how important that validation is to me, so I make it a point to show in every opportunity I can, that he is the one that makes my heart go pitter-patter.

 

I don't want anyone, especially my boyfriend, to think that I am not grateful for the things that I do get out of my relationship.  I am lucky enough to be with someone that I am not afraid to say anything to.  If I am feeling something, unwarranted or not, I know that we can talk about it.  And he will listen and respond in the most supportive way he knows how while still standing up for what he believes is right or wrong.  He makes me laugh, every single day.  And when things are rough, and I ask for a little extra support and patience, it's always granted.  But its the in between stuff, that gray area of expectations that I long for.  Things that don't necessarily need to be done to make a relationship work, but things that I believe I am special enough to deserve.  Things that I am starting to believe may be nothing more than a product of spending countless hours watching Dr. Derek Shepherd and listening to Jason Mraz songs.

 

You know that phrase "beating a dead horse"?  I'm gonna put my stick down.

 

Alive With The Glory of Boy Love

I've been struggling with the transition from teenager to adult for what seems like the past 10 years.  In reality, probably more like 5.  Regardless, every new home, job, boyfriend; it's always a constant battle with myself to make the adult decision when wanting nothing more than to resort back to my high school mentality of 'fuck it, I'll figure it out later'.  As I embark on another new home and a fast approaching one year anniversary with my fabulous music job, I am both equally impressed with how much I've grown as I am aware of how I still am that 13 year old girl in so many ways.

Yesterday was a particularly rough day for me as most of my changing circumstances seemed to come to a head.  I hate the feeling of being between homes.  I have constantly moved just about every year, sometimes twice a year, since I was 19 years old.  And it never gets any easier, and I never seem to procrastinate any less.  It's always stressful, I never have my financial ducks even within a near vicinity of one another, nonetheless in a row.  And time always seems to slip away from me when I have ample notice of my current arrangement coming to an end.  Things with my Dad's health have been up in the air since the end of March, and though he is in great spirits and taking it one day at a time (what else can you do?) there have been set backs and general hiccups that cause me more worry and concern than I like to admit to.  By the end of my work day yesterday, I wanted to create a literal hole (similar to the figurative one I have been digging for quite some time now) and crawl into it indefinitely.

My night was recovered shortly thereafter as I was kidnapped by Curtis and brought from the front door of my job directly to the guys' house.  I quickly ran into Adam's room and retrieved a pair of pajama pants and a comfy shirt, poured myself a glass of wine, and took my spot on the couch.  I have been doing variations of this exact scenario for the last 10 years.  Be it Curtis' apartment, the Plainfield house, Ben's basement, or Dennys.  It's the same people, its the same sounds from the radio, its the same feeling of belonging that was just as necessary at age 13 as it is now.

I am in love with Travis' obnoxious laugh.  I am in love with the booming sound of Curtis' voice saying "Shut up, Travis." immediately after said laughter occurs.  I am in love with how uncomfortably loud the music is played in the car, so loud you can sing every song at the top of your lungs and still no one can hear you.  I'm in love with the sound of Eric playing bass next to Ben mixing 100 new versions of the Mario theme song on his computer.  I am in love with taking a nap on the couch while the guys play 'Call of Duty' for hours.  I am in love with how excited Adam gets when he walks in from work, and there I am in his pants, literally, sitting in his living room.  I am in love with these places, these people, and these times being the only thing I have been this in love with for this long.

So I am going to get older.  I am going to have to start paying all my bills on time and rebuilding my credit score.  I will move and decorate, and then pack everything up and do it over and over again, I'm sure.  But I found my escape from growing up when I was still very young.  And it's nice to know that that escape is still there for me, with those people that know me better than anyone else, after all this time. 

As a side bar : I am moving once again at the end of May.  In my gypsy-esq lifestyle over the past few years I have managed to leave behind most of my funiture and home goods with the exception of my bed and dresser.  Please keep an eye out for furniture or things you or someone you know may be getting rid of or selling cheap.  I am thinking of having a apartment warming party and registering at Target, but that seems unrealistic.  Wine and cheese will be provided shortly after the move for anyone with hands are filled with home goods, wine, or general support and love for the chaos that is my life.  Katie Keller loves you.

39 Cent Cheeseburgers & Peter Gray.

1. To be completely honest, when I think about tax season, I primarily think of really cheap cheeseburgers at McDonald's.  The idea that I am responsible, as an adult, to get things like forms and receipts together and organize my income and worth the way the government expects me to upsets me.  If it's so important to you, government, that these things be filed a certain way by a certain date - than YOU should do my taxes for me.

I'm not really all that torn up about this, but it is the 9th of April, and I am just now getting around to filing my extension paperwork so that I can get my taxes done at some point in the next few months.  I need the money that I should be getting back this year.  No doubt about that.  But its the last thing on my mind right now in the mist of everything else that is going on in my life.  And its unaccounted for money, so I am not dying without it right now.  Hence making the process of doing my taxes seem unnecessary.

2. I decided not to date you quite a few months ago.  I had a nice time with you for a minute.  It's one of the reason I was unsure about committing to the relationship I am currently in.  But that's the thing.  I am in another relationship now.  And even if I weren't, I still made a very conscience decision to no longer date you.  I guess it's fine that you persistently tell me how great I look every time you see me.  I do find it a bit unnecessary that you text me to say goodbye every day that you are here in the store, because you wanted to make sure that I know you want me to have a great week. I guess I am just a little confused by your motives.  I am aware that you too are now in a relationship.  So there is nothing to be gained by your attempts at communication with me because I will continue to feel guilty about blowing you off, and you'll continue to feel rejected.

3. There are some people in my life right now that I absolutely adore, and wish I were closer to.  The people that don't know me all that well, but care enough to try and figure me out.  I am blessed these people are around, and some day I will be together enough to figure them out to.  I hope they stick around long enough to learn that its not that I don't care, I just have some massively tall walls up around myself.  And it takes just as much effort for me to peak my head through to see them, as it does to tear them down and get to me. 


Lastly,
Peter Gray. Tag. You're it.

Magic Johnson Smoked Out Aids

Sometimes I am really awkward.  Like crawl out of my own skin awkward.  I hate days that end like this.  I felt all morning like things were good, and I was secure.  Then, out of no where, this crushing realization of my awkwardness.

I laugh all the time that I am broken.  Because it's hilarious.  I never ever do anything right.  I do everything a little right, and always with good intention.  But I've taken the hardest road, or said too much, or done too little.  I watch myself do these things too, over and over again.  It's like watching myself on video, but in slow motion.  Its like that Mitch Hedberg golfing joke "if you're gonna hit someone you are supposed to scream 'fore', but I was too busying mumbling 'there ain't no way that's gonna hit em'".  That's how I feel watching my slow speed compilation video of disaster after disaster.

I'm not trying to be all mopey and feel sorry for myself.  I just want you to know, that I know what this looks like.  I'm not a stupid person, I'm just broken.  I am sure some point in my life I will be less broken, I don't think I'm doomed or things won't get better, but for the time being I'm just awkward.  Awkward and broken.

Specifically what is going on that is making me feel this way? I'm sure my monthly surge of 'crazy-mones', as my manfriend calls them, isn't helping anything. But I think most of it is just the aftermath of a couple intense weeks.  I've been running hard again these days, burning the candle from both ends.  Work is intense for me.  It's intense for me because I walk this fine line between being a hard worker that puts effort in to what the do, and someone who becomes so emotionally involved with everything I'm doing I make myself crazy and worked up over things, that at the end of the day, are just tasks.  They are just things to get done.  THINGS.  No one lives or dies if I sell a flugelhorn.

And then there is everything else.  Family, friends, boyfriends, apartments, cats, groceries, television, money, moving days, wedding days, sick people, drunk people, stupid people, girls.  'Everything else' is a whole lot of things.  But the important things, more significant than flugelhorns things.  And I never seem to do these things right either.  It's exhausting being aware of how not right I do things most of the time.

But, alas, I have to go to work, I have to do those tasks. As far as the important things, I'm going to have to just continue being awkward until I'm not anymore.  The people that are close to me are constantly subjected to my awkwardness.  And I avoid everyone else, which is awkward in and of itself.  That's just me right now.

"Today you are you, that is truer than true.  There is no one alive who is youer than you."
-Dr. Suess

The Wine Glass is Half Full

I'm not a terribly negative person, and though I am sure there is room
for more positivity in anyone’s life, I also believe that blind
optimism does more harm than good.

I have hit a new level of stress in my life, which is saying something
- I have had some less than great luck in the past 23 years.  But I
feel like right now, this is the worst of things.  And bits and pieces
of the puzzle will fall into place hopefully sooner than later, but
time never seems to be on my side these days.  As much as I
desperately want to put on my happy face and say "the sun WILL come
out tomorrow!", that doesn't restock my freezer with Banquet frozen
dinners, or keep my cell phone from getting shut off.  And even when
I put all those materialistic/money woes aside, I am still
left with a shaky foundation of not knowing if anything in my life
will ever be the same.

My family is undoubtedly the strongest support system I have.  Always
have been, always will be.  My brothers are rock solid in any
situation.  And even if they aren't, they keep it together long enough
to ensure the rest of us are okay.  My mother makes me feel like I
have nothing worth bitching about, this woman has had nothing but bad
news for the past 2 years and pushes through anything stronger than
any woman I have ever known.  My sister - bless her 19 year old heart.
 She is so full of love and unjaded optimism, immediately pushing her
own fears aside to see what can be done to make any situation better.

"It's when you cry just a little, and you laugh in the middle that
you've made it." -Jason Mraz

My father has taught me more than anyone else that laughter makes
anything better.  He's up against a lot right now, but his comedic
timing has been spot on since this started.  He never downplays the
situation, but he'll find the funniest part of it, and make you smile
no matter how impossible that may seem at the time.

We are all going to be okay.  I am going to be okay.  It's not going
to be easy.  I'm exhausted physically and mentally like I've never
been before.  Work seems to be more stressful than usual, my
relationship isn’t the most ideal circumstance at times, and having a
fast approaching moving day hangs heavy over my head always.  But food
always seems to find a way into my belly, and I manage to be at work every day
when I am supposed to be (roughly) without a car of my own.  My friends have
been outstanding, they keep me laughing.  And the boyfriend's kisses are just as
butterfly inducing as they were 3 months ago.

It could always be worse.  Maybe I don’t need to be the most optimistic person,

as long as I always keep my perspective.