Don't Have Sex With Your Friends

Don't have sex with your friends.  Listen, I'm serious.  Don't have sex with your friends.

I thought about this a lot last night.  Because I wanted to make sure there was no loop hole I was missing before making this blanket statement.  But there isn't.  It's clear as day to me now. Don't have sex with your friends.  After years of making this mistake over and over again, I have come to terms with the fact that no matter the scenario, it doesn't end well.  Let's break this down more closely:

The friend turned lover: This seems like a great idea after a wedding, or birthday, or breakup.  This is your buddy, your bro.  So what if you have had a bit too much to drink and find yourself doing the stumbly kiss walk over to the nearest bed, giggling all the way?  Your friendship is deeper and stronger than any one night stand could possibly tamper with.  Wrong.  This ends badly.  Whether one or both parties regrets it, or enjoys it too much, or expects it again, or wants to avoid it entirely.  Chances are you and your buddy aren't going to share the same emotional response to sleeping together.  And now you've gone from two people against the world together, to two people on two very different pages.  Don't have sex with your friends.

The lover turned friend:  You jump into bed with someone probably faster than you should have - and by the time your brain catches up with your body it occurs to you that there is no chance for a romantic relationship to develop from the mere act of love making.  But that's cool, bro - you guys can totes just be friends.  No.  No you can't.  As previously mentioned, chances are it won't be that cut and dry for both involved parties.  So when you are trying to grow a relationship with someone, post coital, you can never really be sure if the intentions are strictly platonic on both sides.  And even if the intentions are to just be good friends, that person can never not look at you like they haven't seen you naked.  Don't have sex with someone and call them your friend if they never were in the first place.

The friend with benefits: Well, this is probably the most offense of them all.  It is a hybrid between the two previously mentioned relationships.  It's the guy you should know not to try and force a friendship with after sex, and the guy that becomes your friend and you then have sex with again and again.  It's rinsing and repeating those first two relationships over and over until someone finally breaks.  Maybe it'll work out though?  Maybe we will have fun, until one of us meets someone else, or we fall in love with each other.  Or maybe you will get hurt and/or pregnant.  These are the two more viable options.  If someone wants to be in you, they should respect you enough to give you a full-fledged relationship.  Or you are just kidding yourselves.

"But not me, Katie.  That's not the way it has to be, me and my friend...blah blah blah." 

I will take a cue from my boy Greg Behrendt's book "He's Just Not That Into You" : sure, we've all heard the stories of these types of relationships working out.  Either turning into love, or a great long lasting friendship.  But that's the exception, not the rule.  We, my friends, are the rule.  Rarely the exception. So stop pretending that these relationships can be something that they are not. 

I am proud to say that the group of men in my life, the ones that count, that have seen me through my darkest and best days, are not nor ever will be my lovers.  And though I still believe there is a divine balance that must exist in any guy/girl relationship, I have the comfort of knowing that we have nothing but pure platonic love for one another.  And not a single drunken night past to challenge that.  And as you could imagine, the "friends" I have fallen into one of these 3 categories with aren't staples in my life anymore.  Which is a shame, because I think some of them could have had the potential to be a great fit in one way or another. (Get it? "Fit").

So folks, take it from me and my laundry list of bad experiences - don't have sex with your friends. Just don't.

The Only Realists Are Dreamers

I most recently asked who you would want standing next to you when all your dreams come true. I spent all week focusing on the type of relationship and type of person I wanted to fill that role, that it didn’t once occur to me that I wasn’t exactly sure of what those dreams even were.  I am approaching the big quarter century birthday, and every year I get older I seem to understand less and less what it is I want to be and where it is I want to go.  Gun to my head today, I’m sure I would say my dream is to be a writer.  Or a record label A&R. Or maybe a promotional manager for an entertainment company.  The truth is, I’m not sure what I want to do with the rest of my life. 

When I look at my life 10 years from now, I don’t see a career.  I don’t see a huge house, huge bank account, or a big office with a great view of some big city.  When I look at my life in 10 years I see kids.  I see loud, obnoxious, rug-rats making my red curls turn gray by the minute.  I see myself helping them with their homework, and reading them books before tucking them into bed.  And I see myself working every day to be the most supportive and loving wife to whatever loser ends up sticking it out for the long haul with me. I see myself reassuring him that though we may not have all the money in the world, that he should continue going after his dream of being a rock star, comedian, basketball player, magician…whatever.

Maybe that’s why I have always gravitated towards marketing.  The happiest moments I can remember over the past 25 years have had far less to do with me.  And so much more to do with seeing the success of the people around me.  Especially if I had a hand in that success, to know that the effort I make can bring to life to the dreams of someone else.  That’s why I can’t wait to have kids.  To create something for the sole purpose of being in their corner, loving them and supporting them unconditionally.  Even when they don’t deserve it. And to feel so proud in the moments that they discover their own happiness.

I’m pretty bad at handling my own life.  I run from my problems, I avoid dealing with the real issues. I have become a master of pushing things so far down that in the far and few between moments I actually talk about them, it’s like I am telling stories about a stranger.  The moments that I feel at my best, and strongest, and the least alone, it’s when I am making someone else feel their best, and strongest, and least alone. 

So I guess that’s my dream.  To be someone that matters to other people.  To be the person that is standing next to someone when their dreams come true. 

Who's Standing Next To You When All Your Dreams Come True?

One of the coolest guys I have ever dated was a stunt man named Chris.  He was bartending at the time that I met him - and when he had started to tell me about all the cool gigs he had in the past, at first I didn’t believe him.  I mean, really, if you won a SAG award for being in the Dark Knight you wouldn’t be slinging me rum and pineapples at the bar across the street from my work. Even more awesome than being the clown that got kicked in the chest by Heath Ledger, he was actually in my favorite movie of all time. He was the stunt man that took an air conditioner to the face in place of Tim Robbins in High Fidelity.  (You can go ahead and do the math now, he was a bit older than me.)

Right before we started seeing each other, he had taken a job playing Dennis Hopper’s character in a live action version of Waterworld for Universal Studios - Singapore.  It was one of those romances that is created on knowing that it would be over in a few short weeks.  Everything that you would normally feel getting to know someone and share a few goodnight kisses with is amplified by a billion because you are trying to fit an entire relationship into such a small window of time.

He took me to dinner, and to movies.  He always held the door open, and put his hand on the small of my back to lead me through a crowd. We did sleep together, only once, and only right before he had left.  And it was nice.  It was romantic. It was a little drunk, but it felt like something really great would have happened given we had more time.  He joked, at least I think he was joking, that I should just go with him.  That Universal Studios would be paying for his housing - and as long as I could get passed the chewing gum ban that maybe Singapore would be a great place for me to be.  With him.

As I was perusing my facebook wall today, I had noticed a post from Chris in which he mentioned finally coming home after being gone since October 2009.  Reading this provoked a number of emotional responses.  First of which being - 2009? Are you kidding me?  That was 4 years ago?!  I am old as shit.  The second one was being reminded of this really nice time I spent with this really nice guy that treated me well. That wanted to be with me, and show me how a woman like myself is supposed to be treated (not that that woman deserved it as much as the woman I have become).  The third and last reaction I had, which really is what motivated this post, is how the relationships we choose to keep or walk away from do matter.  It all matters.

What would my life be if I had gone to Singapore?  Chris wouldn’t be with his adorably blonde Australian now girlfriend.  What would my life be like if I followed Mikey B to Boston?  Or followed Jerod to the mountains - or Hawaii?  This week Andy’s wife had his baby.  What if I had kept Andy’s baby?  It becomes entirely too much pressure to realize that every decision you make affects everything else that will ever happen to you.  It makes you really want to be smarter with the decisions that you make today.  About who you choose to fight for, fight with, or walk away from entirely.  And it makes it next to impossible to say goodbye to something that you can see somewhere in a distant place making you really happy.  But what if you get to that distant place - and it doesn’t.  Then you have to sit down and hash out a blog about the decision that you made in this moment being the wrong one. 

Like mentioned in my most previous blog, it’s all a roll of the dice anyways I guess.  All you can do is listen to your heart and try to be a good person.  Here’s hoping that will be enough to guide me to where I am supposed to be.  That it will guide me to the person I want standing next to me when all my dreams come true.

Close Your Eyes.

Dating is ridiculous.  I understand that I pour my heart out into this blog, from first kisses to past heartbreaks.  But just because I can put words on a page, I will be the first to admit that I am far from being good at it.  It’s awful.  It’s awful with a spattering of good moments that aren’t riddled with crippling insecurity and self doubt. 

Dating in high school was easier. It was definitely more dramatic, but still in so many ways a lot easier.  That was a time in my life where the relationships I had with men were built solely on the individual time we spent together. The things that we got to learn about each other and the memories that we were making as we were learning how to grow up.  Today I feel like 60% of relationships are built off of that, and the other 40% is nothing more than noise from facebook  and twitter.  And ex-girlfriends being a click away.  And suspect pictures from a party that you weren’t at get tagged onto someone’s wall.

For someone that has enough men and trust issues for an entire Bad Girl’s Club cast, I know relationships are hard enough for me without the pressure of social media. I know that without the internet I will still find a million reasons to stay unattached, or become too attached for all the wrong reasons.  I have created a big enough obstacle in my own head and heart - it sometimes seem impossible enough to maintain a relationship before the temptation of digging for more reasons not to trust or to go in expecting the worst. 

Moving forward with the relationship(s) in my life, I want to make it a point to detach myself from any more reason to be afraid.  I want stop searching for reasons to not trust someone, instead of letting my heart make a decision based entirely on the good moments and the real connection I am building with a person.  I want to learn to trust my heart more than I don’t trust what human beings are capable of when it comes to matters of the heart.

At the end of the day this has just as much of a chance of blowing up in my face as if I don’t go searching for the self-destruct button.  It’s a roll of the dice.  A complete and total gamble.  I have come up short so many times before trying to protect myself that maybe I will have better luck if I close my eyes and let myself feel all the good it can.  And try to find trust and love in a different place, in a different way.  I mean, I figure worse case scenario I’ll just bitch about it in my blog later.

“Don’t let it be a roller-coaster. Just keep things calm.  And do it until it doesn’t work anymore.”

The Trouble With Fictitious Boyfriends

It’s probably because I am sick that I am feeling a touch over emotional these past few days.  Being sick always makes me feel extra vulnerable.  I think that it’s pretty common for people to feel their inner child most when in pain or ill.  That part of you, no matter how old, that just wants their dad to bring them a Gatorade and their mom to give them a hug and tell them they will feel better soon.  Your body is weak and tired, it becomes easily confused when 5 to 7 hour naps turn your time clock upside down- and what feels like 5pm could literally be the next morning without you even knowing it.

So I’m a bit under the weather.  Times like these I am most relieved that I live alone.  I can sit under a pile of my own raggedy snot-filled tissues, crying over One Tree Hill, and drinking DayQuil from the bottle. No judgment zone.  Just me and my cat feeling shitty and sorry for ourselves all by our lonesome. 

Maybe I have been feeling a bit too sorry for myself the past few days.  And maybe it’s because, much like the blizzard of 11’ and one of the biggest arguments between Charlie and I where I watched entirely too much Mad About You and became angry with him for not being more like Paul Reiser, I have spent the weekend fantasizing over a relationship with Chad Michael Murray as Lucas Scott.  But instead of picking a fight with the obvious opponent at this juncture of my romantic life - I am opting to float myself down to earth with this here blog.

Basically, in having another one of my “it should be more like the movies” moments, I decided to stop fighting that same fight I have with myself every 3 months - and this time just accept that this is the situation I have signed myself up for.  I can’t expect it to all of a sudden be something it never was.  And if that is good enough for me, than great.  I shouldn’t question it.  And in the moments that it’s not good enough, what’s the point of sulking in the disappointments.  I know what this is.  I know what this isn’t.  And until I either make it better or walk there is no point in getting worked up over it.

Sure, I’m still going to get misty eyed when Nathan tells Haley that he wants to start his forever with her.  I don’t know if there is a relationship I could be in or not be in that would prevent that reaction.  I just want to hit the off switch this time. I don’t want to feel hurt or sad.  I just don’t want to feel any of it right now. 

Maybe when I am back to health these things will seem tiny.  Or maybe I will have the strength enough to deal with them.  For now, I’m going back to Tree Hill.  I’ll be with my boyfriend Luke and his 6 pack abs if you need me.