The problem that I have in this relationship, as well as any relationship ever, is that I have a colorful history with men. That is the nicest way I can say it. But for anyone who knows me, or has any idea of how many people I have been with and what my sexual past looks like - they are the same people that know me well enough to explain that it has never been about achieving a high-score. Or that I just love sex so much that I need to have it all the time with lots and lots of people. My sexual history is a product of my much larger issues with insecurities and self-esteem. It's a tale as old as time. At least for those of us who come from a history of abuse, specifically sexually.
After years and years of getting involved with the wrong men, be it for a night, or drawn out over months of being treated poorly - you start to convince yourself that that's all you are going to get. That that's what you deserve. And maybe it's a 'what came first the chicken or the egg' scenario - but for as long as I can remember I haven't really thought highly enough of myself to change the types of relationships I was falling in and out of. I was just so amazed that anyone wanted to be with me, whether it be for 7-10 minutes or longer, that I put my heart into these toxic relationships, and made justifications time and time again that these guys weren't terrible. They were fine, I was broken, and if anything they should all get gold medals for taking me on in the first place.
So I start seeing this guy, that has been described by friends and family alike as "someone I wouldn't normally date". I can't imagine they mean physically, since he is dark and has a beard and looks like he should be in a band. I can only assume they are referring to his temperament, the way he speaks to me, and how attentive and kind he is to me. This is the guy that showed up for our first date with a dozen white roses. He says "thank you" for things, and opens doors and genuinely cares about my feelings. But this isn't the type of guy that turns his cheek to a girl with a past such as mine. The only types of men able to look past that are the ones that DON'T care, the ones I have been dating. I am starting to feel like it will be impossible for me to be in a healthy relationship with a good man, because I have damaged myself beyond a point that any self-respecting, kind, real gentleman would ever want to be with.
We have talked pretty openly about our pasts. He has been with far fewer people than I have, sexually and romantically. And the thing that I find to be the most amazing/terrifying/
I guess what I am learning (add it to the list of things I discover I'll have to overcome each and every day for the rest of my life) is that I can't undo a single thing that I have done. I can't go back and tell a 14 year old me that someone, someday will love me and care about me in a real way. I wish I could. I wish I could, not only to avoid the relationships of the past decade of my life, but just to remind that little girl that it is worth waiting for. And that if I could have just given it a bit more time, more time to learn who I am, what I am good at, and why people like me - that maybe that would be the determining factor of who I let into my life physically and emotionally. Versus being here now, with the kind of person I've always wanted to be with, feeling as though I'm 10 years too late in being the person he's always wanted to be with.
