The Trouble With Fictitious Boyfriends

It’s probably because I am sick that I am feeling a touch over emotional these past few days.  Being sick always makes me feel extra vulnerable.  I think that it’s pretty common for people to feel their inner child most when in pain or ill.  That part of you, no matter how old, that just wants their dad to bring them a Gatorade and their mom to give them a hug and tell them they will feel better soon.  Your body is weak and tired, it becomes easily confused when 5 to 7 hour naps turn your time clock upside down- and what feels like 5pm could literally be the next morning without you even knowing it.

So I’m a bit under the weather.  Times like these I am most relieved that I live alone.  I can sit under a pile of my own raggedy snot-filled tissues, crying over One Tree Hill, and drinking DayQuil from the bottle. No judgment zone.  Just me and my cat feeling shitty and sorry for ourselves all by our lonesome. 

Maybe I have been feeling a bit too sorry for myself the past few days.  And maybe it’s because, much like the blizzard of 11’ and one of the biggest arguments between Charlie and I where I watched entirely too much Mad About You and became angry with him for not being more like Paul Reiser, I have spent the weekend fantasizing over a relationship with Chad Michael Murray as Lucas Scott.  But instead of picking a fight with the obvious opponent at this juncture of my romantic life - I am opting to float myself down to earth with this here blog.

Basically, in having another one of my “it should be more like the movies” moments, I decided to stop fighting that same fight I have with myself every 3 months - and this time just accept that this is the situation I have signed myself up for.  I can’t expect it to all of a sudden be something it never was.  And if that is good enough for me, than great.  I shouldn’t question it.  And in the moments that it’s not good enough, what’s the point of sulking in the disappointments.  I know what this is.  I know what this isn’t.  And until I either make it better or walk there is no point in getting worked up over it.

Sure, I’m still going to get misty eyed when Nathan tells Haley that he wants to start his forever with her.  I don’t know if there is a relationship I could be in or not be in that would prevent that reaction.  I just want to hit the off switch this time. I don’t want to feel hurt or sad.  I just don’t want to feel any of it right now. 

Maybe when I am back to health these things will seem tiny.  Or maybe I will have the strength enough to deal with them.  For now, I’m going back to Tree Hill.  I’ll be with my boyfriend Luke and his 6 pack abs if you need me.