One of the coolest guys I have ever dated was a stunt man named Chris. He was bartending at the time that I met him - and when he had started to tell me about all the cool gigs he had in the past, at first I didn’t believe him. I mean, really, if you won a SAG award for being in the Dark Knight you wouldn’t be slinging me rum and pineapples at the bar across the street from my work. Even more awesome than being the clown that got kicked in the chest by Heath Ledger, he was actually in my favorite movie of all time. He was the stunt man that took an air conditioner to the face in place of Tim Robbins in High Fidelity. (You can go ahead and do the math now, he was a bit older than me.)
Right before we started seeing each other, he had taken a job playing Dennis Hopper’s character in a live action version of Waterworld for Universal Studios - Singapore. It was one of those romances that is created on knowing that it would be over in a few short weeks. Everything that you would normally feel getting to know someone and share a few goodnight kisses with is amplified by a billion because you are trying to fit an entire relationship into such a small window of time.
He took me to dinner, and to movies. He always held the door open, and put his hand on the small of my back to lead me through a crowd. We did sleep together, only once, and only right before he had left. And it was nice. It was romantic. It was a little drunk, but it felt like something really great would have happened given we had more time. He joked, at least I think he was joking, that I should just go with him. That Universal Studios would be paying for his housing - and as long as I could get passed the chewing gum ban that maybe Singapore would be a great place for me to be. With him.
As I was perusing my facebook wall today, I had noticed a post from Chris in which he mentioned finally coming home after being gone since October 2009. Reading this provoked a number of emotional responses. First of which being - 2009? Are you kidding me? That was 4 years ago?! I am old as shit. The second one was being reminded of this really nice time I spent with this really nice guy that treated me well. That wanted to be with me, and show me how a woman like myself is supposed to be treated (not that that woman deserved it as much as the woman I have become). The third and last reaction I had, which really is what motivated this post, is how the relationships we choose to keep or walk away from do matter. It all matters.
What would my life be if I had gone to Singapore? Chris wouldn’t be with his adorably blonde Australian now girlfriend. What would my life be like if I followed Mikey B to Boston? Or followed Jerod to the mountains - or Hawaii? This week Andy’s wife had his baby. What if I had kept Andy’s baby? It becomes entirely too much pressure to realize that every decision you make affects everything else that will ever happen to you. It makes you really want to be smarter with the decisions that you make today. About who you choose to fight for, fight with, or walk away from entirely. And it makes it next to impossible to say goodbye to something that you can see somewhere in a distant place making you really happy. But what if you get to that distant place - and it doesn’t. Then you have to sit down and hash out a blog about the decision that you made in this moment being the wrong one.
Like mentioned in my most previous blog, it’s all a roll of the dice anyways I guess. All you can do is listen to your heart and try to be a good person. Here’s hoping that will be enough to guide me to where I am supposed to be. That it will guide me to the person I want standing next to me when all my dreams come true.
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