Close Your Eyes.

Dating is ridiculous.  I understand that I pour my heart out into this blog, from first kisses to past heartbreaks.  But just because I can put words on a page, I will be the first to admit that I am far from being good at it.  It’s awful.  It’s awful with a spattering of good moments that aren’t riddled with crippling insecurity and self doubt. 

Dating in high school was easier. It was definitely more dramatic, but still in so many ways a lot easier.  That was a time in my life where the relationships I had with men were built solely on the individual time we spent together. The things that we got to learn about each other and the memories that we were making as we were learning how to grow up.  Today I feel like 60% of relationships are built off of that, and the other 40% is nothing more than noise from facebook  and twitter.  And ex-girlfriends being a click away.  And suspect pictures from a party that you weren’t at get tagged onto someone’s wall.

For someone that has enough men and trust issues for an entire Bad Girl’s Club cast, I know relationships are hard enough for me without the pressure of social media. I know that without the internet I will still find a million reasons to stay unattached, or become too attached for all the wrong reasons.  I have created a big enough obstacle in my own head and heart - it sometimes seem impossible enough to maintain a relationship before the temptation of digging for more reasons not to trust or to go in expecting the worst. 

Moving forward with the relationship(s) in my life, I want to make it a point to detach myself from any more reason to be afraid.  I want stop searching for reasons to not trust someone, instead of letting my heart make a decision based entirely on the good moments and the real connection I am building with a person.  I want to learn to trust my heart more than I don’t trust what human beings are capable of when it comes to matters of the heart.

At the end of the day this has just as much of a chance of blowing up in my face as if I don’t go searching for the self-destruct button.  It’s a roll of the dice.  A complete and total gamble.  I have come up short so many times before trying to protect myself that maybe I will have better luck if I close my eyes and let myself feel all the good it can.  And try to find trust and love in a different place, in a different way.  I mean, I figure worse case scenario I’ll just bitch about it in my blog later.

“Don’t let it be a roller-coaster. Just keep things calm.  And do it until it doesn’t work anymore.”