Relationships make me crazy: literally. I remember having a conversation with Andy not too long ago (of course this was before the engagement and pre-baby on the way). It was a few years after we had finally, for keeps, ended our relationship. The on again off again had finally run it’s course and we gave each other 2 years to recover before we had a conversation , that quite frankly, I don’t give either one of us enough credit for.
“Hey, Katieface.” His voice was the same as it always was before. A bit raspy and constantly on the edge of a low, deep chuckle. We had the obligatory “where do you live now, work now, what do you do now.” banter. And then we loosened up enough to get to the good stuff. The reminiscing stuff. We laughed about ridiculous moments we shared, we confessed the little things that we secretly loved and hated about each other.
We had gotten on the topic of one of our more epic fights where a baseball bat was smashed through a picture frame. It was then that he said something so god damn accurate - he told me that we brought out the craziest versions of ourselves when we were together. We literally drove each other insane And looking back at it, yes, absolutely. I was a different person back then anyways - but separate from that there was this crazy person in me that was reserved exclusively for our relationship.
In our time together we threw things at each other, stormed out of each others homes at 3am after screaming matches that would cause noise complaints from the neighbors. I threatened once to throw a baseball through his windshield. I melted one of his videogame controllers in a fire! (This one still makes me smile.) So many crazy bad moments of us just making each other nutty.
It would be unfair to mention the crazy bad without recognizing that our crazy made for some incredible moments too. Sunday mornings sneaking out of the apartment to go buy new sexy lingerie while he slept, cooking breakfast and waking him up to bacon and a scantily clad me. The diamond necklace scheme of Christmas 2007. Wrestling matches and tickle fights that wouldn’t end until I said “Gary Bussey”. And crazy awesome sex.
There is a certain element of this crazy relationship Katie that has existed with every guy I have been with since, but never to this extent. My on again off again relationship with HSF has become very reminiscent of the relationship I shared with Andy. We have some crazy amazing moments, conversations, and sense of understanding of one another half the time. The other half of the time he makes me tear shit off the walls and scream loudly around my house. He brings out my crazy in a way that nothing non-romance related could ever do. I don’t get crazy when I get overwhelmed at work, when I have to deal with family stress, when I try to process my father’s sickness. I get specific relationship crazy as a result of the awful stupid things that this kid I can’t seem to stop doing and saying to one another.
The fucked up part is that though I realize that this is unhealthy, all these kinds of relationships are, I think I am addicted to them. I think I feed off the drama of it so intensely, the good and the bad, that I latch on the hardest to the people that incite the most real feeling in me, good or bad. It makes me feel alive either way.
I think maybe someday I will want a calm relationship, and it will be nice. And we will be happy. And maybe that will be enough. Or maybe I will find what it is that I am really looking for, which is all my crazy good, and a more productive outlet for the crazy bad with someone that loves me anyways.
“Hey, Katieface.” His voice was the same as it always was before. A bit raspy and constantly on the edge of a low, deep chuckle. We had the obligatory “where do you live now, work now, what do you do now.” banter. And then we loosened up enough to get to the good stuff. The reminiscing stuff. We laughed about ridiculous moments we shared, we confessed the little things that we secretly loved and hated about each other.
We had gotten on the topic of one of our more epic fights where a baseball bat was smashed through a picture frame. It was then that he said something so god damn accurate - he told me that we brought out the craziest versions of ourselves when we were together. We literally drove each other insane And looking back at it, yes, absolutely. I was a different person back then anyways - but separate from that there was this crazy person in me that was reserved exclusively for our relationship.
In our time together we threw things at each other, stormed out of each others homes at 3am after screaming matches that would cause noise complaints from the neighbors. I threatened once to throw a baseball through his windshield. I melted one of his videogame controllers in a fire! (This one still makes me smile.) So many crazy bad moments of us just making each other nutty.
It would be unfair to mention the crazy bad without recognizing that our crazy made for some incredible moments too. Sunday mornings sneaking out of the apartment to go buy new sexy lingerie while he slept, cooking breakfast and waking him up to bacon and a scantily clad me. The diamond necklace scheme of Christmas 2007. Wrestling matches and tickle fights that wouldn’t end until I said “Gary Bussey”. And crazy awesome sex.
There is a certain element of this crazy relationship Katie that has existed with every guy I have been with since, but never to this extent. My on again off again relationship with HSF has become very reminiscent of the relationship I shared with Andy. We have some crazy amazing moments, conversations, and sense of understanding of one another half the time. The other half of the time he makes me tear shit off the walls and scream loudly around my house. He brings out my crazy in a way that nothing non-romance related could ever do. I don’t get crazy when I get overwhelmed at work, when I have to deal with family stress, when I try to process my father’s sickness. I get specific relationship crazy as a result of the awful stupid things that this kid I can’t seem to stop doing and saying to one another.
The fucked up part is that though I realize that this is unhealthy, all these kinds of relationships are, I think I am addicted to them. I think I feed off the drama of it so intensely, the good and the bad, that I latch on the hardest to the people that incite the most real feeling in me, good or bad. It makes me feel alive either way.
I think maybe someday I will want a calm relationship, and it will be nice. And we will be happy. And maybe that will be enough. Or maybe I will find what it is that I am really looking for, which is all my crazy good, and a more productive outlet for the crazy bad with someone that loves me anyways.
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