In order to gain some perspective on my most previous romantic relationship, I sat myself down this past week to do some real thinking. I turned John Mayer's 'Love Song for No One" on repeat, chain smoked a pack of cigarettes and gently sipped on a glass of cab while I sifted through old love letters, mix cds, and pictures from the many men I have "loved" before. This was overall a positive experience. Because it forced me to evaluate my heartbreak more closely, to realize that although my heart is hurt and broken, I will recover from this too, just like the 100 times I have before.
But then the bigger question was raised, why does my heart keep getting broken over and over again by what, over time, seems to be some pretty insignificant relationships. I found my answer pressed between the pages of a book I once wrote called "Pie". Now, I will leave the recipient of this book's name out of here, because he knows who he is. But at the time in my life that I wrote "Pie" I was head-over-heals madly in love with this guy. It was a chest crushing love that only a 15 year old girl could truly feel. And for page after page that I flipped through, and wanted to crawl out of my skin about, I noticed that I've always really wanted one thing: to be in love. I love love. I love the idea of having one person who you can't stop thinking about not being able to stop thinking about you.
This book with filled with these grandiose plans of a budding relationship that I knew in my heart was never going to materialize. But I had such a clear idea, even at 15 years old, of what I was looking for. And it has never been as simple as wining and dining, or a beautiful wedding dress on a warm summer day. I wanted to hold hands and walk through the city. I wanted to travel the world, and stop at small diners in every town along the way to eat apple pie ala mode like Jack Kerouac. I wanted to sing songs loudly in the car together, and spend nights wrapped in each other's arms watching old movies. I wanted Ewan McGregor, Heath Ledger, and Clark Gable to become one person that would then become my boyfriend.
So my 24 year old mind, which should have evolved past this maybe just a little, still feels the same. Of course now wishing that person ends up being a little bit more like Patrick Dempsey and a little bit less like Heath Ledger (for obvious reasons). I know that I am looking for something so real and so passionate. And every man I date gets held up to this expectation of what I've always thought to be perfect love. Maybe this why my relationship with Charlie was doomed from the start, because as close as we were to obtaining that love I had hoped and dreamed of, he never really saw the point in a relationship doing or being those things. And you can't be in that kind of relationship alone. No matter how much you may want it.
At this point in my life I am not ready to let the fairytale be a lost dream. I still think it's out there for me. I think it will happen when I find that person that is just in much in love with love as I am. And spare me all the cliched 'love will find you when you least expect it' or 'no one can love you until you love yourself'. Yeah, I know. I get it. And I am going to continue working on my life in the interim. But it was a nice reminder to myself this week that no matter what my actions may reflect me as, I am truly a big romantic at heart. And my intentions are good every time I let myself fall for the wrong guy. So I try to be more calculated about it, protect my heart a little bit better, but as long as I am breathing I am going to be wishing and hoping that the next time I fall it's for the one that counts.
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