I Won't Be Mad If You Bring Flowers To The Party In My Pants

I've been technically single since Easter.  And though Charlie and I played the back and forth game for the past 3 months, I have been exploring other avenues romantically.  Seeing as though Charlie and I have ceased all communication in the past month, I have fully allowed myself to start seeing other people.  Fresh off the heels of this breakup, I know that I am not ready for anything too serious.  But at the same time I can't kid myself into thinking I am capable of being casual about, well, anything.

 

I had a fabulous conversation with an old friend last night about our shared inability to not over analyze every aspect of our lives, specifically romantically.  I know this about myself, yet with feeling so broken from my previous relationship I desperately want to enjoy the company of other men without getting attached.  I want this because I need to be reminded now more than ever that Charlie is not the end all and be all of men on this here God's green earth.  There are many levels of a relationship you can share with a man - but anything that includes a physical aspect for me will always go hand in hand with an emotional response.  No matter how nonchalant I may attempt to be.

 

My therapist (this is a very new development, because as much good comes from me sharing feelings here, something tells me I need a little more guidance on putting myself back together) and I touched briefly in our first session about how I have constantly searched for validation for myself in between the sheets of some guy's bed.  This isn't something I am proud of, but I am very aware that I do it.  It is a product of many different experiences I have had with men over the years.  You know, the ones that really fucked me up in the head for everyone to follow.  I am going to slowly learn how to break this cycle.  And even while cognitively aware of what I have been doing, it hasn't stopped me from creating a little bit of a mess in my own head with the new boy toy.

 

I have been very casual about it on the surface, not just to him, but everyone around me.  He's hot.  Why complicate that?  Well, because I'm Katie MFing Keller.  And that's what I do.  When I remove myself from the relationship, and evaluate what is actually there between the two of us, it's not fireworks.  It's not that same connection that I shared with Charlie, Andy, Jerod or Erik.  It is fun, we enjoy hanging out, but if I never saw him again it probably wouldn't crush me all that much.  The problem is, now that we have entered a physical relationship my needs have increased tenfold.  Because that second the physical relations end, I am wondering why he hasn't called/texted.  Which I shouldn't be, because I don't really care that much.  It's just another form of rejection for my already clouded head to wrap itself around.  But, low and behold, once I get my mouth on another guys mouth, that feeling of rejection is instantly stifled for a short period of time.

 

Now, what in the world can I expect this kid to do?  Because, first of all, he is kid.  Second of all, he didn't sign up for all this crazy.  Especially when I have been the one, since the beginning, "calling a spade a spade" and making sure the relationship stayed casual.  We joke around all the time about how I am 'using' him.  And I guess in a way that joke can still apply, but I don't think he knows the extent of how deep my "using" men actually is.  I know that I should probably end this relationship.  Because even if there is anything good romantically that could ever exist, I've probably already done enough damage in 2 weeks than could be reversed to ever have us function as a couple.  My concern isn't for this specific relationship, but for all the ones to follow.  The ones I can sit here and say I shouldn't be having, but at the end of enough lonely nights in my house alone, become a lot easier to justify.

I am going to try really hard to focus on myself for the next few months.  And I think having someone to hold me accountable to that will be a good thing.  I will keep on keeping on.  And creating messes along the way.  Until one day I wake up and have it all figured out.  And hopefully that will come before a baby or venereal diseases.  Just kidding, Mom.

 

In closing, Steph - though I had no real idea attached to the blog title when it was chosen at dinner, I would say that worked out nicely, wouldn't you?