It's a beautiful night for a blog. And I can't help but reflect on previous blogs after a very enlightening session with the new therapist. More specifically my highly regarded (by me) blog about how "Boys Like That Should Come With a Warning" and my desire to have a basic definition of a person laid out in front of you before you make the crucial decision of whether or not to let them into your life. I'm starting to wonder if that would even come close to being enough information about a person when we go through so much of our own lives knowing so little about ourselves.
The scariest thing about therapy, I'm learning, is starting to realize I don't actually know myself as well as I've always thought I had. I have spent most of my life self-diagnosing because I believe I am educated enough about people to label myself one way or another. I come from the school of thought that I am a product of certain things that I have done, had done to, or experienced in 24 years, so this is why I am the way I am. And though my theory is spot on, I think I have been connecting the wrong dots to one another for some time now. Things are not as black and white, or cut and dry as I felt them to be about the reasons I am the way I am.
So as I am slowly making the correct connections, and starting to take in the bigger picture, I'm noticing that this would've been incredibly good information to have, I don't know, say, 5 years ago. It wouldn't be fair to say I would do anything too much differently, because there is still a learning curve. But what if you knew the things I was completely blind to, and just now beginning to see? Would you have put on the brakes and reevaluated getting to know me? Or better yet, would it have changed our interactions? Would you have said things differently, or more, or less? Would you understand why somethings come really easy to me, and others are far more difficult? These questions can be applied to every single last person that is in, or has been at one point, my life in any degree. And I feel I know you all well enough to know who would be exactly the same, who would have never said more than a word to me, and which would have treated me like an entirely different person. But hell, I'm probably far off. I have lived with me for 24 years and it turns out I don't know too much about me.
I am excited about this new chapter in my life. I came home today feeling like I was hanging out with a new friend. I think all these realizations will truly, over all, and after a lot of time, make me a healthier happier person. But these realizations also come with a heavy responsibility. It was one thing to make stupid decisions and choose wrong over and over again, but once you know - once it's pointed out to you and you see it, you can never go back. It's not something a bottle of wine will fade the image of. It's there forever, and you can't keep being a shithead. You are responsible to learn and recognize the dumbest, saddest, coolest, bad-assest, worst and most undesirable things about someone you've been too afraid to actually meet for a very long time.
...But maybe that's just me.
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