Before I get into the topic of today's blog I want to take a
moment to say thank you to everyone that has been supporting this blog for the
past year. I've had an increasing amount of traffic the past few months
especially, and it's because I have some wonderful friends that read my words
and care enough to pass them on to their friends. I have also received
some very kind emails from readers who some how relate to my twisted world, and
care enough to take the time to tell me. Writing will always be my true
passion; over marketing, over comedians and musicians, over casual sex and
drinking. Writing, at the end of the day, is the thing I wish to be
defined by when I leave this world. So thank you all for validating on a
weekly basis that these words matter. I digress.
I am starting to believe that all the bad men I have let into my life have successfully ruined me for the good ones. I often joke that I am broken, but there is more truth to that statement than I generally care to admit to. Over the past few months I have exchanged a few emails with a very nice guy who found me on the dating site I frequent. I should mention I rarely take men from this dating site seriously, and have no problem admitting that I use it more for a self esteem booster on my darker more self-loathing days. This guy spiked my interest when he countered my icebreaker question (If you were in a Zombie apocalypse and could defend yourself with only one item from a Home Depot - what would you use and why?) with his icebreaker question: What is your favorite Tetris piece? What a great question! My answer, for the record, is the "L" for it's ability to occupy a good amount of space when flipped horizontally, and is handy in a clutch when you need just one block to finish a line.
The problem here is that he is sweet, kind, available, and interested in me. The 4 qualities that usually turn me off most in men. Though I shouldn't blame my inability to follow through with these exchanges solely based on my self-esteem issues, or history of terrible relationships with terrible men. I have been coming out of a relationship that lasted longer than it should have, and in dealing with that breakup have gone through my normal motions of attempting to distract myself through false affection from men that don't care about me. Hey, at least I can call myself out on my poor decision making.
This guy has been persistent, to say the least. I have received a few texts and phone calls each week for the past month. And have chosen to respond to none of them. He's awfully charming, always coming up with some clever way to say hi, or that he really wants to meet me. And I adore receiving these messages, I do. But I don't want this guy. I don't want him because I can have him. He isn't going to make me question his feelings for me, and he isn't going to drag me along in a half-assed relationship for 8 months, or breakup with me on Easter. He's probably a really nice, respectable male. And I would love to say that is exactly what I am looking for, but I am hardwired to turn away from the right guys and find the next douche bag (who probably already has a girlfriend) and fawn over him instead.
Broken.
But here is the reality of this situation: even being aware of my inability to choose the right man, it doesn't make me magically attracted to the nice ones. I would love to force myself out on a date with this suitor because he'd probably hold doors, pull out my chair, and hold my hand on the walk back to the car. He would take me somewhere nice, make a reservation, and let me order the expensive wine. I am sure all of these superficial things I have realized I want in relationship would be fulfilled. But if he doesn't make my heart race, and my face flush, and my stomach turn in knots - it's not the relationship I want.
I finally manned up and expressed to him that he should probably not waste any more time trying to seduce me. At least not for the time being, because I don't want him to feel ignored. And who knows - maybe I will want to take him up on his offer sometime in the future when I am a bit more put together. No use in burning bridges that are hardly even built. In the interim I will just continue to bitch and moan about the guys I know will never treat me well, and hopefully one day my heart will catch up with my head and I'll be able to fall for the good ones as easily and as hard as I do the bad.
I'm not a complete lost cause. When the relationship I previously mention ended this past time, it was because I drew a line in the sand and demanded what I know I deserve. I know what I want - now I just have to retrain my brain to sort out the ones that will never give that to me.
I am starting to believe that all the bad men I have let into my life have successfully ruined me for the good ones. I often joke that I am broken, but there is more truth to that statement than I generally care to admit to. Over the past few months I have exchanged a few emails with a very nice guy who found me on the dating site I frequent. I should mention I rarely take men from this dating site seriously, and have no problem admitting that I use it more for a self esteem booster on my darker more self-loathing days. This guy spiked my interest when he countered my icebreaker question (If you were in a Zombie apocalypse and could defend yourself with only one item from a Home Depot - what would you use and why?) with his icebreaker question: What is your favorite Tetris piece? What a great question! My answer, for the record, is the "L" for it's ability to occupy a good amount of space when flipped horizontally, and is handy in a clutch when you need just one block to finish a line.
The problem here is that he is sweet, kind, available, and interested in me. The 4 qualities that usually turn me off most in men. Though I shouldn't blame my inability to follow through with these exchanges solely based on my self-esteem issues, or history of terrible relationships with terrible men. I have been coming out of a relationship that lasted longer than it should have, and in dealing with that breakup have gone through my normal motions of attempting to distract myself through false affection from men that don't care about me. Hey, at least I can call myself out on my poor decision making.
This guy has been persistent, to say the least. I have received a few texts and phone calls each week for the past month. And have chosen to respond to none of them. He's awfully charming, always coming up with some clever way to say hi, or that he really wants to meet me. And I adore receiving these messages, I do. But I don't want this guy. I don't want him because I can have him. He isn't going to make me question his feelings for me, and he isn't going to drag me along in a half-assed relationship for 8 months, or breakup with me on Easter. He's probably a really nice, respectable male. And I would love to say that is exactly what I am looking for, but I am hardwired to turn away from the right guys and find the next douche bag (who probably already has a girlfriend) and fawn over him instead.
Broken.
But here is the reality of this situation: even being aware of my inability to choose the right man, it doesn't make me magically attracted to the nice ones. I would love to force myself out on a date with this suitor because he'd probably hold doors, pull out my chair, and hold my hand on the walk back to the car. He would take me somewhere nice, make a reservation, and let me order the expensive wine. I am sure all of these superficial things I have realized I want in relationship would be fulfilled. But if he doesn't make my heart race, and my face flush, and my stomach turn in knots - it's not the relationship I want.
I finally manned up and expressed to him that he should probably not waste any more time trying to seduce me. At least not for the time being, because I don't want him to feel ignored. And who knows - maybe I will want to take him up on his offer sometime in the future when I am a bit more put together. No use in burning bridges that are hardly even built. In the interim I will just continue to bitch and moan about the guys I know will never treat me well, and hopefully one day my heart will catch up with my head and I'll be able to fall for the good ones as easily and as hard as I do the bad.
I'm not a complete lost cause. When the relationship I previously mention ended this past time, it was because I drew a line in the sand and demanded what I know I deserve. I know what I want - now I just have to retrain my brain to sort out the ones that will never give that to me.
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