One of the major connecting themes through all of my most significant relationships has been my ridiculous ability to fall in love with a man's potential vs. the man they actually are in the time I am dating them. I have always beaten myself up over this, I mean, I recognized it for the first time with Jerod 5 years ago. But it never seems to stop me from dating the same type of guy over and over again.
I am a "fixer", as it is most commonly referred to as. I like taking someone who isn't quite all there yet, and inspire and motivate them to make themselves some thing better. And not in a manipulative way, but an incredibly supportive, more times than not, an over-complimentary way. If I see someone who has the world at their feet and the opportunity to do something great... but they don't realize it yet?! Hold the phone...that's as exciting to me as being stuck in an elevator with Colin Farrell.
When each of these relationships has ended, I have always felt as though I was letting go of someone that was going to be great someday. That someday I would wake up and see each of these men doing that one great thing they were destined to do. And that it would break my heart to see them doing that thing I have always encouraged them to do with out me being there at their side. But, I wake up now at 24 and realize - these men haven't become any of the great things that in my head I thought they had the potential of doing.
Jerod isn't doing anything great. I wanted him to be a rockstar, or an explorer, or a writer. He joined the military after we broke up. Married some Aldi-brand Katie Keller in Hawaii while stationed over there. He was divorced within the year, and back in Aurora dialing up MY phone number shortly thereafter. Andy? We'll he's engaged to be married after he knocked up his Oswegoland girlfriend (also a redhead - it's almost creepy how this keeps happening). And I am sure he is going to have a great life ahead working at GameStop and supporting his tattooed bride and bastard child.
And then there is Charlie, who is really the only hope I have left in being proved wrong with this theory. Maybe I will turn on Live! with Kelly in 5 years and see him promoting his next comedy effort. Maybe, though, just maybe, I will be rereading this blog when I am 30 and enjoying the satisfaction of this theory being proven true all across my early 20's dating board.
So now that I have taken this into consideration, and had my selfish moment of reveling in the lack of success of all of my ex's, I do realize that this says more about me than it does about any of them. Maybe I need to stop looking for that project of a man I can fix up, and start looking for a man who, as they are right now in this very moment, is doing great just they way they are. Maybe they aren't a rock star, comedian, magician, or rap god. Maybe they are just that guy who works at the place and lives in that house and thinks I am a fucking goddess.
That is the dream, isn't it? Maybe I am not making any huge revelation here. But I do feel like it is a small step in getting closer to that love I think I am going to find someday.
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