I think back to the beginning of summer and that uncomfortable moment of finally running into Andy since we had broken up. I have been very lucky to have so few run-ins with exs in the past. Considering how many exs there are. But when I saw Andy and his now fiance sit down in front of me in that theater I felt like someone had punched me in the gut. I felt like I was going to throw up, laugh, and cry all at the same time. It was awful. In retrospect it wasn't awful because I was in the same room as an ex boyfriend. As much as it was awful because in all of the ways I had dreamed of running into him, none included the dimly lit theater for the 9:15 showing of Crazy Stupid Love.
When you date a lot of "performers" it's easy, in this day and age, to know how to avoid ever seeing them. For those ex's who are in bands, I get emails weekly telling me exactly what club they are playing in on what night. And not that I frequent the club scene much these days, it's still nice to have a head's up of where I shouldn't be going. The same applies for comedians, I have found. And though it is more than irritating that my facebook events page is nothing more than a daily reminder of all the things my ex is doing in the local comedy scene, at least I have a well drawn out road map of how exactly to avoid him.
Lately I have been fighting the urge to get back out into the comedy scene. Not full-fledged like I used to be, but enough to see some new material from the local comedians I used to actively support and adore. And part of me will even admit to missing the social aspect of the comedy world. A lot of these people are just giant fucking douche bags. But there is a select handful of them that do remind me why I fell in love with standup in the first place. I have all these event invites just sitting on my stupid facebook, and I have stopped looking at them for the sake of not having to know the exact location of my exboyfriend on any given night.
I wish I could go back to a time where I wasn't able to access all of this information. But I can't. Does this mean I have to be a prisoner to the information that is shoved in my face simply as a result of being a member of a stupid social networking website? What if I want to go to a local comedy show, knowing there are so few in the area I live, in the off chance that on that particular evening I will have to run into an ex? What if I just want to be a 24 year girl going to a comedy show - and not have to worry about who will or will not be there? What if I stop looking and start living?
I am basically playing with fire. And this blog isn't a result of throwing caution to the wind, as much as it is a blog about me throwing myself to the wolves. But I don't want to have to swallow my stomach back down my throat again when I am caught off guard by the appearance of someone from my past in a movie theater. I want to go to that restaurant I love, even if it was the place we had our first date. And I want to lie on my couch and watch the show we used to watch together with out you And listen to that song that made me think of you because it's still a great song with out you. And I want to go see comedians and bands and not worry about who may also be partaking in these activities.
I will pledge to myself from this moment on not to dictate my actions based off of who I may find when I do them. Life is too short I may run into every last guy I gave my heart to that handed it back to me some where along the way. Even if that is the case, I am not about to deter where I am going for where they might be.
Worst case scenario : these men will see a girl who is still looking for love, who is still a bit too intense, and is still hellbent on not giving up. And there is no shame in that.
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