I had a friend in high school send me a book once, in fact, it is still
sitting on my bookshelf. It was called "I Kissed Dating Goodbye". And I
am sure my friend had good intention when he gave me this book,
especially at that time in my life when I was becoming notoriously
slutty. The book, as described by amazon, is a blue print for having a
Christian relationship in the way that God intended. It teaches how to
develop relationships based off of one's character and their own
relationship with God, versus some lust/love feeling that may overwhelm
you at first. It also preaches against premarital sex, along with a few
other Christian beliefs I have clearly never followed myself.
Now, you can't make an argument to me using God as your basis. Because I
personally don't believe in "God", at least not in the way I find most
people preach about it. This book made me roll my eyes more than it
made me think about my relationships past and present. I lost the
meaning of the book because I was too busy being defensive for my fellow
atheists. Why can't you offer me relationship guidance without it
becoming a God thing? Whether or not there is a God will not be
determined until after I am six feet under, and I would like to have a
healthy, functioning relationship between now and then.
This isn't a blog about religion.
I have done some soul searching in the past few months. (Maybe more
like the past few days, but I like to have a reason for my promiscuity
so we are going to pretend the soul searching started in May). And I
have decided after lacking the motivation to go on a recently scheduled
date, the same lack of motivation that has watched numerous messages
pile up on my dating site with no response, that I just don't want to do
it anymore. Not indefinitely. But for the time being, I don't want to
exert any more effort into romantic relationships. I can barely make
the platonic ones in my life last, how can I expect to meet, learn, and
maintain a new romantic relationship on top of everything else already
going on in my life?
I love boys. I love kissing boys. I love falling for boys. I love
hating the boys that don't love me back. And needless to say, this
isn't a vow of celibacy by any means. I am still going to have fun
kissing boys, or whatever. I guess this is just the first time I am questioning my constant pursuit for another
man in my life. After every breakup, it's a matter of days before I
start looking for men on the web, letting them court me around town. I
usually can't muster up enough interest to see it through more than 1
date or late night phone chat. And I keep thinking it's because these
men aren't the right ones. But maybe I am not the right one. At least
not right now.
I have to take this time, with my life being in transition, to focus on
me. My finances, my mental stability, my ability to live on my own (and
enjoy it rather than just tolerate it). I think if I continued to date
right now, it would be the previously mentioned battle of searching for
Patrick Dempsey and constantly lowering my own standards to the people
that are available at this very moment. Enough of that. I am going to
make me an even more awesomer version of me. And then when I am done
doing that, that will be the person I flaunt around town. It will be then, and only then, that I will score my own Patrick Dempsey.
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