Sometimes I am really awkward. Like crawl out of my own skin awkward. I hate days that end like this. I felt all morning like things were good, and I was secure. Then, out of no where, this crushing realization of my awkwardness.
I laugh all the time that I am broken. Because it's hilarious. I never ever do anything right. I do everything a little right, and always with good intention. But I've taken the hardest road, or said too much, or done too little. I watch myself do these things too, over and over again. It's like watching myself on video, but in slow motion. Its like that Mitch Hedberg golfing joke "if you're gonna hit someone you are supposed to scream 'fore', but I was too busying mumbling 'there ain't no way that's gonna hit em'". That's how I feel watching my slow speed compilation video of disaster after disaster.
I'm not trying to be all mopey and feel sorry for myself. I just want you to know, that I know what this looks like. I'm not a stupid person, I'm just broken. I am sure some point in my life I will be less broken, I don't think I'm doomed or things won't get better, but for the time being I'm just awkward. Awkward and broken.
Specifically what is going on that is making me feel this way? I'm sure my monthly surge of 'crazy-mones', as my manfriend calls them, isn't helping anything. But I think most of it is just the aftermath of a couple intense weeks. I've been running hard again these days, burning the candle from both ends. Work is intense for me. It's intense for me because I walk this fine line between being a hard worker that puts effort in to what the do, and someone who becomes so emotionally involved with everything I'm doing I make myself crazy and worked up over things, that at the end of the day, are just tasks. They are just things to get done. THINGS. No one lives or dies if I sell a flugelhorn.
And then there is everything else. Family, friends, boyfriends, apartments, cats, groceries, television, money, moving days, wedding days, sick people, drunk people, stupid people, girls. 'Everything else' is a whole lot of things. But the important things, more significant than flugelhorns things. And I never seem to do these things right either. It's exhausting being aware of how not right I do things most of the time.
But, alas, I have to go to work, I have to do those tasks. As far as the important things, I'm going to have to just continue being awkward until I'm not anymore. The people that are close to me are constantly subjected to my awkwardness. And I avoid everyone else, which is awkward in and of itself. That's just me right now.
"Today you are you, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is youer than you."
-Dr. Suess
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