I've been struggling with the transition from teenager to adult for what seems like the past 10 years. In reality, probably more like 5. Regardless, every new home, job, boyfriend; it's always a constant battle with myself to make the adult decision when wanting nothing more than to resort back to my high school mentality of 'fuck it, I'll figure it out later'. As I embark on another new home and a fast approaching one year anniversary with my fabulous music job, I am both equally impressed with how much I've grown as I am aware of how I still am that 13 year old girl in so many ways.
Yesterday was a particularly rough day for me as most of my changing circumstances seemed to come to a head. I hate the feeling of being between homes. I have constantly moved just about every year, sometimes twice a year, since I was 19 years old. And it never gets any easier, and I never seem to procrastinate any less. It's always stressful, I never have my financial ducks even within a near vicinity of one another, nonetheless in a row. And time always seems to slip away from me when I have ample notice of my current arrangement coming to an end. Things with my Dad's health have been up in the air since the end of March, and though he is in great spirits and taking it one day at a time (what else can you do?) there have been set backs and general hiccups that cause me more worry and concern than I like to admit to. By the end of my work day yesterday, I wanted to create a literal hole (similar to the figurative one I have been digging for quite some time now) and crawl into it indefinitely.
My night was recovered shortly thereafter as I was kidnapped by Curtis and brought from the front door of my job directly to the guys' house. I quickly ran into Adam's room and retrieved a pair of pajama pants and a comfy shirt, poured myself a glass of wine, and took my spot on the couch. I have been doing variations of this exact scenario for the last 10 years. Be it Curtis' apartment, the Plainfield house, Ben's basement, or Dennys. It's the same people, its the same sounds from the radio, its the same feeling of belonging that was just as necessary at age 13 as it is now.
I am in love with Travis' obnoxious laugh. I am in love with the booming sound of Curtis' voice saying "Shut up, Travis." immediately after said laughter occurs. I am in love with how uncomfortably loud the music is played in the car, so loud you can sing every song at the top of your lungs and still no one can hear you. I'm in love with the sound of Eric playing bass next to Ben mixing 100 new versions of the Mario theme song on his computer. I am in love with taking a nap on the couch while the guys play 'Call of Duty' for hours. I am in love with how excited Adam gets when he walks in from work, and there I am in his pants, literally, sitting in his living room. I am in love with these places, these people, and these times being the only thing I have been this in love with for this long.
So I am going to get older. I am going to have to start paying all my bills on time and rebuilding my credit score. I will move and decorate, and then pack everything up and do it over and over again, I'm sure. But I found my escape from growing up when I was still very young. And it's nice to know that that escape is still there for me, with those people that know me better than anyone else, after all this time.
As a side bar : I am moving once again at the end of May. In my gypsy-esq lifestyle over the past few years I have managed to leave behind most of my funiture and home goods with the exception of my bed and dresser. Please keep an eye out for furniture or things you or someone you know may be getting rid of or selling cheap. I am thinking of having a apartment warming party and registering at Target, but that seems unrealistic. Wine and cheese will be provided shortly after the move for anyone with hands are filled with home goods, wine, or general support and love for the chaos that is my life. Katie Keller loves you.
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