I went on my first date since moving to LA this week. I have been hesitant to do so, because I left a big love back in Chicago., For my avid blog readers, you know the guy, the HSF. We were on again off again for over 5 years. He broke my heart more times than every ex boyfriend I have ever had combined. I wanted to come out here, settle myself into my new job, my new home, and my new life before starting to close that chapter and move on to something else.
I downloaded Bumble. For those of you unfamiliar with this dating app, let me explain. It's like Tinder as the platform has you swipe left or right on profiles that you are or are not interested in. If you are interested in someone who is also interested in you, you make a connection. What makes this particular app different is that once connected it is up to the girl to reach out to the man first. You have a 24 hour window to contact them, or the connection is lost forever. I like this for a variety of reasons. But the biggest being that I don't have to wait to be contacted. Or worry that I'll come off as aggressive if I show interest in someone before they do me. I don't come off as too bold or overwhelming because it's the only way you can move forward with anyone else on the site.
So I am on this app now, it's been less than a week. I have connected with quite a few dudes, but I'm still not totally feeling dating someone else right now. I still miss Vic. There is still this dumb little voice in the back of my head telling me to not give up on us - that we'll find our way back to each other. But deciding there is nothing wrong with a free meal and some conversation, I reached out to a guy named Jeff and he asked me out.
My frustration with dating sites is that I feel like the implication is that you are looking to hook up and less interested in forming a real bond. Which is not what I personally am looking for, but find me an alternative that isn't Match.com. So I am very honest with Jeff about how if I was looking to hook up I would just go to the bar and meet someone. But I am using the app as a way to genuinely connect with someone that shares similar interests. He appreciates my honesty. Says that he too is looking for a real connection. He wants to fall in love, make a girl feel safe, and have all the wonderful benefits of a monogamous relationship. Solid, right?
So we meet at my favorite bar in LA. I am in a cute dress. I know the people here. I have home court advantage and I'm feeling good. He walks in. He is tall. He looks just like his picture. He is dark and handsome. He dresses conservatively, in a plaid button up and nice jeans. He just got off work. He is a camera man for a sports network. We introduce ourselves, we engage in a long hug, and for the first time since December 1st, I feel butterflies in my stomach. We sit down. We toast, his tap beer and my glass of Sav Blanc. We laugh and exchange stories about dating disasters, our families, our love/hate relationship with Los Angeles. It is going really well.
"I have to tell you something about myself you may not like" he says, the words falling flat on the table between us. Leaving my mind to wander: he has a wife, he has a disease, he has children, he lives with his mother... I told him we'd see if I liked it or not and he continued, "I have a foot fetish. I really like women's feet."
Okay. I can handle this. Everyone has their kinks. Lord knows I have some real weird ones myself. I have never indulged a man with a foot fetish before. But people like what they like, who am I to judge. I tell him that's fine, we talk about it briefly and we move on. I place my open-toed heel in his lap under the table, but we move on.
I should tell you before I left the house I determined I would not sleep with him regardless of how well it went. Because I wanted to find something real, and I wasn't looking for a hookup, and I wanted to hold myself accountable to that. So I left my bedroom a mess. Like, judge-me-I'm-real-disgusting kind of mess because I knew that removed the option of returning back to my house that was mere blocks away. But after three glasses of wine, light touches of each other's hands, exchanged smirks and his hand rubbing up and down my heeled foot - I didn't care how messy my room was. I invited him back to my place.
I made him stand on the front porch while I threw everything that covered my room into closets and into drawers. I threw the comforter over the bed in a way that almost resembled something I had made. And then I invited him in.
This is where I am happy to report that I did not actually sleep with him. I wanted him to respect me. I wanted him to know I was serious that I was looking for something more. We held each other. He was so affectionate. He was like the dad on This Is Us affectionate. He kissed my forehead, he called me beautiful, he rubbed his forefinger up and down my hand as we watched La La Land and melted into each other. We did fool around. I am not a saint. But I didn't have sex with him. And I fell asleep with him holding me tightly in his arms. It was real nice. I didn't realize how much I needed to just be held.
He went home in the morning after sweet kisses were left on each other's mouths. I felt so good the rest of that day. I found someone who is truly interested in me. And maybe also kind of my feet. But it felt good. He wanted a girlfriend, I wanted a boyfriend. One date in and I can already tell he is proud to have me on his arm in public and it's going really well. But then I didn't hear from him in 2 days. Until last night,
"Hi there"
"Hello" I respond,
"I'm not going to lie, I am really horny for you right now,"
GOD DAMMIT DOES LITERALLY NO MAN LISTEN.
Dude had the opportunity to woo a girl who would let him do weird things with her feet. A girl who respected herself enough to wait, to wait for something better and more than just a hook up. One that no longer gets weeks worth of validation from someone telling they make them horny. Even the different ones aren't different. Even the ones who express they too want something more are just trying to fuck you.
I am not defeated by this though. I am not throwing in the towel, I am just going to continue not actively looking for anything. Because using dating sites the implication is there. I think just being a single 29 year old woman that the implication is there. I think by being Katie Keller for the past 29 years that the implication is there. But not anymore. I know how to get laid. I have been doing that successfully my whole life. I am ready to be loved. And anything besides that is just time wasted that could be spent making myself more whole.
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