I Could Be Brave or Just Insane

I started telling people I was going to move to California very prematurely. I have more or less been threatening my move for 4 years. But I said it knowing it probably wasn’t gonna happen. But that’s cool, because sometimes Katie Keller tries something, and it doesn’t work, and then she moves on. So I said it because it sounded nice. I liked talking about what I imagined life in Los Angeles would be. I had visited enough times to make it seem like I knew enough about the city to pull it off. But I didn’t really, because I wouldn’t really allow myself to retain more than romance and awe because I probably wouldn’t end up there anyway.

I decided to get a bit more serious about it at the beginning of last year. I knew I was running in circles for a few years prior to then and if I continued to be complacent I would most likely die there unhappy. So I entertained the idea enough to get a second job to save money.  Which was more or less a joke because there’s never enough money, ever, to do like, anything. Ever. So I continued to believe it wouldn’t happen, but still occasionally said it would because I have low self-esteem.

I feel like the point of this story is little to do with how I got here, but more so that I got here. Against the negativity of my worst enemies (mainly myself) I found a job and moved to Los Angeles. I knew I was going to be scared forever. Because I have been scared forever. I knew that I was going to be anxious and sad and needy and lonely sometimes not because I’m not capable of overcoming fear, but just because I am a human. And sometimes humans feel those things. It the only thing I can imagine falling out of a plane would feel like. It's never not going to be scary, 

I always tell the people I meet here that I was hesitant to make the move, but I had been here enough times to know I really thought this was home. It’s been just over 2 months now. And I am happy to report, while sitting in my garden writing this blog and listening to Jack’s Mannequin (and maybe I am speaking prematurely again) but I am home.

My favorite quote about Los Angeles is that “it’s a reflective surface. You get back from it what you shine against it”. Los Angeles will let you have whatever you want if you just go get it. Not money or fame or superficial things. But like community, and sunshine, and starry nights, and live music, and little bars. You can be alone whenever you want without it being sad, gloomy alone. It’s alone tucked-away-next-to-a-palm-tree alone. Where the sun is shining, and every song running through your headphones fits into a somehow perfect soundtrack of where you are and what that feeling would be if it were sound.

There is also an electricity flowing through this city. A buzz that summons you to explore its origin. And it’s from everywhere. In plain sight. And you just must go to it. Whatever it is. The ocean, the farmers market, the bar down the street where everybody knows your name. To see the real nice older man that looks like Paul Giamatti. You get to have girlfriends. Other just, you know, cool women living in LA. Figuring it out together. It’s not hard to connect with people if you follow that buzz. Because that buzz is the thing that brings us all there in the first place. So, we already have at least that much in common.   

I guess the biggest thing that makes this feel like home is that I am going through some stuff. Like I do. Regularly. And I truly believe if I were back in Chicago and this was happening, I would be swallowed whole in my little home tucked away from light and love and music and air that smells like warm grass and laundry sheets. I certainly know I wouldn’t be writing about it. And that’s my favorite part so far.