HSF On The JOB

I have written the beginning of about 6 different blogs all around my birthday last week.  I was covering a variety of topics - my dry spell from sex, turning 25, finding "the one" - I had a million things I wanted to say that I just couldn't seem to carryout to completion.  But now I sit here, with really only one thing on my mind to talk about.  And it's almost embarrassing that I am back in this place to talk about it at all.  But I know as my fingers are sliding across this keyboard that I will start and finish these thoughts, because they are pulsing through me stronger than my feelings on any of the previously mentioned topics.

Let's talk about HSF for a minute.  To give a brief synopsis of where things left off, we had played the "together but not really together" game since July of last year.  And as I have very openly discussed in this blog, was challenged by being in a relationship with a complete and total lack of definition.  I played it out through the winter and into spring.  By the time he had come home for spring break, I placed down an ultimatum: I was by no means asking him to put a ring on it, but if we were going to continue spending time together and sleeping together I needed to know we were exclusive to one another.  He nodded his head, compliantly, to which I quickly learned was to ensure he would continue to get laid over the holiday break.  I had had enough at this point, told him that I deserved better - that I wanted a real committed relationship, and we ended it.

For two people that couldn't seem to stay away from or keep their hands off of one another for months, we went in completely opposite directions and I prided myself on my ability to not look back.  To not stalk his various internet profiles.  I was legitimately ready and trying, actively, to get over this kid.  9 months was already too long to invest time with someone who at the end of the day was just not willing to give me what I want.

Alright, so now that we are caught up there, let me tell you about the completely retarded decision I made when it came back to surface that HSF had applied for a job at my work.  And when we were together, this sounded like the best plan ever.  Flash forward 2 months, we aren't speaking, and I am being asked whether or not I mind if HSF takes the position.   "Of course he can still take it" I said.  "It won't matter at all" believed no one.  He was going to be coming home from school anyways, and I knew that was going to suck.  How much worse could it possibly be having to work with him 5 days a week?  Exponentially worse - in case you were wondering.

So he's been home for 3 days, has worked 2 days, and we've already slept together again once.  Nice work, Keller.  Bang up job upholding the progress you have struggled to make in getting over this kid for the past 60 days.  Straight out the window it went, along with my self-respect and enjoyment of coming into work.  I am being mildly dramatic.  But I should have known better to not poke this barely sleeping emotional beast.  I of course still care about the kid, that was the only reason there was no real hesitation when I was asked if he could still take the job.  I want him to have the job.  I know its a good job, I like the people he will be working with, and it will help him make money over the summer.  But I can't do this again.  I know that our relationship has not changed, he as a person has not changed, and by him working here I am doing nothing but creating opportunities for him to trick me into thinking any of this is a good idea.

I'm a big girl, though.  And because I am self aware enough to recognize this as a slippery slope for myself, it is my responsibility and mine only to coexist at work with him, and leave our relationship there.  I guess what stings - all strong independent Katie aside - is that this kid crushed my heart.  I really, so genuinely, gave him my heart.  I would have done anything to make a relationship with him work.  I liked him enough to play by his rules for as long as I possibly could.  When he decided that he couldn't give me what I wanted, I was fucking devastated.  Now everyday when I punch in, I have to look at the face of the boy that broke my heart, and fight with everything in me to be the bigger person and allow him to have a summer job, drama free.  Knowing that it will never be that easy for me.

Chelsea said it beautifully, that when I decided it was okay to let him work here it was that part of me that was still hoping things could be different.  Watching that reality come crashing down is almost harder than when we walked away the first time.  So - it's time for distractions bro.  Lots and lots of distractions, in the way of long nights on the couch with Curtis, comedy shows with Matt, girls nights and Grays Anatomy with Erin.  And as many ridiculous weekend long adventures Chelsea and I can pencil in between our schedules.  I am 25 years old now, I'm not looking to waste any more time than has already been lost.