Half The Man I Hoped He'd Be

I feel confident in saying that I have gotten to a point in my life where I don't feel like I need to be in a relationship the way that I used to in years past.  I know that I will be just as happy being single as I would be with someone else right now, which has made dating post HSF a very different experience for me.  I am just looking to have fun.  And if one of these dudes ends up being outstanding company, well then they get to get laid on the regular and I get free meals until one of us gets bored.  Because even at 25, I know that I am not in the place in my life that I want to necessarily be when I finally settle down and tie the knot.

With that being said, I feel like it's fair to say that I am still a bit shallow when it comes to men.  And I would normally feel bad admitting that, but it's the reality of the situation that I want to be stupid attracted to the men I choose to be with.  I don't mean in that in a conventional way that he needs to resemble Colin Farrell or James Deen.  I mean that I need to want to tear his clothes off.  And that feeling of wanting to tear someone's clothes of is usually defined after a conversation or two.  In fact with HSF, I wasn't even that attracted to him right out the gate.  I remember vividly one night having a conversation with him, and it was like I had blinked and all of a sudden he looked exactly like Chase Crawford to me. 

With Charlie I wasn't attracted to him at all after our first two dates and I broke it off entirely.  Then we, for some reason, developed the habit of these hours long late night phone calls, and by the next time I had seen him a month later - it was like dating an entirely different person.  A person who I really wanted to tear the clothes off of.  So when I say what I am about to say, I want you to understand that I am not all that superficial.  That the personality, intelligence and sense of humor will always matter most of all.  Even though all girls say that, I actually mean it.  But there are some physical attributes that I am looking for in a man that I am not ready to give up on just yet.

I went out with this guy last week who has been campaigning to date me for about a month now.  We have exchanged an excessive amount of emails - and I felt comfortable enough to know in the very least it would be a nice conversation and free meal.  I didn't think there would be a romantic spark on my end, pretty much before I even agreed to go out with him.  I didn't get the nervous butterflies every time he texted, and I had put off going out with him for such a long time.  When Katie Keller wants to date someone she will stalk, attack and devour her pray.

So with my expectations low, I went into it looking for a nice time and perhaps a somewhat buzzed make out session.  I heard a knock on the door, and there stood a very little man.  He had the face of the guy from the dating site, it's just his face was about 2 feet lower from where I expected it to be.  I have dated some smaller guys in my day.  Andy and Jerod were both about my size, perhaps a touch taller.  But I have never, nor do I think I will ever, be attracted to someone who I have to bend over to kiss.  There were a few other instant turn-offs for me.  He smelled a lot like the bedding you put in a hamster cage, to which I have come to learn is the smell of cedar.  And often times people with cedar closets or dressers carry this odor, apparently.  Well, I'm sorry - but he smelled like a Petco.  The 3rd and final strike, as I saw it, was when we were en route to dinner, and he casually mentioned that I sound a lot like Marge Simpson.  Hey guys, I don't know what types of pickup lines you use on women, but that should never be one of them.

Sigh.

He was a genuinely sweet guy.  And the date was tolerable.  He did make a move in for what I consider to be one of the most awkward good night kisses in my 100 year dating history.  I think he was on his tip-toes.  So there it is. I can't date a dude who is shorter than me.  I need to know when I am laying in a man's arms that it physically makes sense for me to be the little spoon.  I need to feel secure and protected.  I need to be able to wear sky high heals, with my legs as one of my finer features, and these stems look their best in heals.  While were here, let's cover a few more bases, shall we?

-I won't date a guy with man boobs.
-I won't date a guy who is a terrible speller.
-I won't date a guy who has children from a previous relationship.
-I won't date a guy who wears jorts.
-I won't date a guy with a ponytail.
-I won't date a guy whose favorite hobby is karaoke.
-I won't date a guy who has braces.
-I won't date a guy who is missing any arms or legs.
-I won't date a guy who claims to be bi-sexual.
-I won't date a guy who has never been in a relationship before me.
-I won't date a guy who has bad breath.

Now, I should say the obvious "I won't date a guy without a job" or "I won't date a guy that lives with his parents" but let's be honest, I spend most of my time pining after comedians and musicians.  These are two qualifications I have had to learn to let go of.  Is it ideal? No.  But that's just the type of man I like.  (Which is debatable whether they can be called 'men' at all).

Am I shallow? Maybe.  Will I end up with someone that fits all my so-called qualifications for men? Probably not.  In fact, because I wrote this blog I will probably end up marrying a dwarf, who only has one arm.  But I will put my foot down when it comes to jorts.