The Biggest Blackest Elephant in the Room

I want to preface this blog by saying that I know this probably isn't the right forum for this, but I've been in a really dark place the past month or so - and I'm at a loss of what to do with it.  It got bad last night and I am scared I need to get some of this out of me.  So I am coming to the place that has made sense of a lot of bad days for me in the past and hoping that maybe pouring some of this out of my head and my heart will make some room to start healing.

I have suffered from depression my whole life. I'm pretty sure my whole life.  I have no cognoscente memory of it, but I am sure my first thought coming out of the womb was unbearable disappointment that I was a baby.  I was 13 years old when I wrote my first suicide note and was sent to speak to a consular.  I was sent to an outpatient program at a mental heath facility when I was 19 and here we are again at 27 at the cusp of a pretty significant melt-down.

It started about 3 weeks ago, on a Tuesday, when my alarm went off for work.  Unfortunately that morning my blankets decided to weigh about a million pounds and I couldn't move.  The idea of getting up was daunting, showering seemed incredibly difficult, putting food in my mouth and chewing was not an option, so I came to terms pretty quickly with the fact that going to work was just downright impossible. Why this Tuesday, you ask? I have no idea.  I have no idea what triggers my depression, or why some days it feels like there is an anvil sitting on my chest and I can't catch my breath when I am lying still.  I haven't been able to figure it out in 27 years, so I don't have an answer for you now.

So I would miss a day of work, shake it off and go back the next day.  But I didn't.  In fact day two was even harder because day one made me realize how much better lying in bed and not being a person was that I wanted to do that as long as possible.  The only reason I went back to work the following day after that is because I had been lying to my boyfriend about going into work and my guilt was starting to overpower my lack of desire to be a person.

This is the craziest part.  I am in the happiest relationship of my life.  It's stable, and I am supported and loved to no end.  There is nothing I can't tell my boyfriend, and nothing I can do outside of harming myself or someone else that he wouldn't try with all his heart to understand. I have moments of stupid, over-the-top joy in the midst of this haze I've been living in.  When we cook together.  When we cuddle on the couch and laugh for hours.  I think people believe that being depressed and not having any joy are mutually exclusive.  And they aren't.  I am very happy and loved, and love loving him.  But it doesn't make the pain in my chest stop all the time.  Just some of the time.

I managed to carry myself through last week trying to be more positive and having my boyfriend in my corner as I had come clean to him about everything from the week prior.  He encouraged me to set daily goals for myself, and we made sure my appointment with the psychiatrist was close enough to get me by until I can reevaluate how I am going to work on being more chemically balanced.  But every day was still a challenge.  Sometimes just for a little while, sometimes for the whole day.  There were many days of crying in the bathroom at work, for no apparent reason, but I would always go back to my desk and continue trying.

Yesterday was Tuesday again.  Maybe I'm just not good with Tuesdays?  I got through most of work just fine.  At the very tail end of the day I ended up having what started off as a very on the surface discussion of work issues with a manager of mine which ended in me in full-blown tears trying to explain that I'm just not happy.  And I don't know why or how to fix it.  That got heavy fast, sorry boss.

I got home and cleaned, did the dishes, took out the trash and once my boyfriend got home I started cooking dinner.  While I was watching the pot of water boil I started fixating on how stupid it was to break down to my boss.  How unprofessional that was.  And then I started thinking about my mom's car problems, and how I have no money to help her.  And how I shouldn't worry about helping her because that's what my dad is supposed to do.  And then I got mad that my dad wasn't here to help her.  Or me.  And then I thought about a 1200 water bill.  And how now I was going to walk into the living room with these ravioli and be really sad.  And how many days my boyfriend has had to deal with me being sad.

I got about half a bite of ravioli in my mouth before I started sobbing.  Where do you even start in trying to explain to someone how and why you are crying into ravioli?  We talked a while, and I just started to feel more and more guilty that my depression was becoming someone else's problem. So I was spiraling down and fast regardless of what my boyfriend could possibly had said to try and make it better.  All of a sudden I had a thought I've never had before.  It scared the shit out of me and it played over and over again in my head.  I just kept thinking 'I have to go to the hospital'.  I didn't want to kill myself.  I wasn't ill.  I don't know what I thought a hospital would of done for me except maybe create an excuse to not have to function in society for a while.  Because I seem to be failing at it pretty fucking miserably these days.

I didn't go to the hospital.  And I don't feel the need to go to the hospital anymore.  At least not right now.  And I don't know if I will again or if that was just some odd reaction to a new peak of depression for me.  I'm up now.  I showered.  I am going to type a few more words on here, dry my hair and go to work.  And then we'll see how the next few hours go I guess.  I need to get back into therapy.  Therapy costs money and that doesn't grow on trees - but I'm going to find a way to do it.  And in the interim I'll just come back here when things don't make sense and write it down.

I want to live. I want to be happy and I want each day to not be a struggle.  Right now I am just trying to find something to convince myself there is a light at the end of a tunnel I have been staring down for most of my life.  And I will.  I know I will. And I know I'm not alone.  And I know depression is a thing.  And I am no different than anyone else that wakes up and doesn't want to be a person for a while.  So I'll keep trying.  I promise I am trying.

Human Rights and My Forgiveness for Elliot Rodger

I have spent the last few weeks immersed in the Elliot Rodger case. I took the time to read his manifesto and have read every article regarding the "Men's Rights Movement" and everything written in the #YesAllWoman movement in response to not only this heinous crime, but an overwhelming sub-culture of men that share the views of a 22 year old entitled boy that felt that with men being the superior gender they are owed something by women.  The majority of what I have read from people that run the gamut of sharing his views, to those who just "understand where he is coming from with feeling rejected by women".  It has been both eye-opening and incredibly saddening.

My first response was every suppressed feelings I've held onto since my own personal experiences from being victimized by men.  The realization that I took at face value the mandatory meeting my first week in college that informed us of the big blue emergency poles that had been placed around the campus to run to to alert police if we were being attacked, to being told by adults in positions of authority explaining to a group of 18 year old girls that if we were being raped to scream "fire" instead of "rape" because people wouldn't respond or try to interject in a sexual assault.

Of course I was enraged to start looking at society from this perspective.  A society where men spend their time playing video games where the characters are rewarded by attacking or objectifying prostitutes.  The fact that some video game designer somewhere created the ability for a character to go and beat the shit out of woman, and that this hasn't raised any red flags that maybe we are subconsciously condoning this behavior towards woman. I have been told that in said game you can also beat the shit out of other men.  Great.  That really makes me feel like my point is lessened.

If I am going to look at the situation more objectively, and less from the perspective of a woman that has been both verbally and physically abused by men, I have started to evaluate the larger issue that I have been harassed by just as many women as I have men.  Of course I have never been held down and forced to engage in sexual acts by a woman, I have been called a 'slut' 'whore' 'dumb cunt' and other things of that nature by my own gender.  So if this is the way we are treating each other how can we spotlight just the male gender for their actions?

I haven't seen the anti-women sites run by women in which we discuss that some women are prettier, smarter, richer or better than we are.  And that we should inflict pain on them for it in the same way that I have seen in the male community. But it's irrelevant when crime after crime is committed by the way both genders are viewing and treating women in 2014 after all we have done to create equal rights for blacks, gays, and other "sub-class" citizens.  We have all just accepted that women will be mean to each other, and that women will grasp their car key in their hand while walking through a parking garage late at night.  That we are given pepper-spray along with shower shoes and new bed sheets when we go out in the real world on our own.

I have always tried to turn away from tragedies like this, realizing that the publicity and attention is exactly what these people are looking for.  But I also feel like now that I am aware that this is a relevant issue and as said by many men in the "Men's Movement" that they too are tired of being rejected by women and are ready to act out their own "Rodger" acts to teach the world that us "sluts" need to stop going after the "brutes" and give more attention to a group of people that spend their time putting us down on the internet rather than trying to meet us and create relationships with us, getting to know us as people and not just as a whole gender picking and choosing who we want to be with based off some societal view of what we want men to be.

I don't know how to fix this.  I don't even know how to make my stomach settle or my hands stop shaking when I think about a mentality that would encourage men to seek out destruction because of rejection and heart-break.  I haven't taken a gun to the men that have followed me to my car late at night, in the same way I haven't taken a gun to the guy who took me out on one date and then never called me again.  There has to be a way to teach social interaction and respect not only towards women, but towards each other every day so we stop resorting to these violent actions as an only way out from a life of heartache and rejection.

I have survived 27 years of heartache and rejection.  You know the difference? I was raised by parents who taught me to respect everyone.  That everyone has a story and for better or worse, their life is just as valuable as my own despite how terrible their actions may sometimes be.  That is why at the end of this tangent, and really left with no actual resolution on how to fix this huge and what feels insurmountable problem, I will say that I forgive Elliot Rodger.  I forgive the men that don't see and value themselves enough to go out and find something worth living for.  Mental illness aside, we have resources and we have each other.  And if we can all just find it in our hearts to love and respect each other that maybe that will be a start to us viewing each other as equals.  And that we'll want to stand up for each other, and not just ourselves, or our genders.  But as a world full of humans just trying to find love and acceptance.

I am currently seeking out abuse and sexual assault organizations to help women who have been through similar situations as myself.  And I want to do what little I can to offer the perspective that when something bad or "unfair" happens to you, you can do two things with it: you can use it to be stronger and make others stronger, or you can let it destroy you.  Sometimes to the point where you can justify destroying others.  And I will do everything in my power to help the world see the first option is far better.

Striving For Our Happily Ever After

When you start dating someone, regardless of your history, there is certain dating protocol that needs to be followed.  You can't express your feelings too soon, or call/text too much.  You can't expect them to spend every day with you, or want to even spend the night for the first while assuming you have separate homes. So you walk on eggshells.  Making sure the most that comes out of your mouth is the occasional "I like spending time with you." And not being the first to text and waiting the appropriate 15 minutes to respond as to not seem too eager to talk to them. 

Ryan and I had been together for just a few weeks when he helped me put up my Christmas tree.  We were halfway through untangling blue and white lights when he said "Next year when we put up the tree..." I believe he finished that sentence with something about it being decorated in the theme of Dr. Who.  But shortly after he said "next year" I stopped listening and immediately started to focus on my breathing as to not pass out.  Next year? Next year?! As in, like, you see yourself dating me past New Year's and then another 11 months after that?  

It always came as a shock to me when he would talk about our future in the beginning, so confidentially as though he'd already read our story and knew what would happen. One of our first dates we agreed on the name of our first son.  The more comfortable he became with talking about our future the more I started to let my feelings slip out and threw caution and protocol to the wind. 

As time went on I was sharing everything, except that one big "L" word that I swallowed down basically every minute as I was feeling it, but I'd be damned if I would be the first to say it.  So instead I would subliminally slip it into conversation by saying things like "I really love you in that sweater." "Cook dinner? I'd love you to!". New Year's Eve he finally broke down and said it first. I WIN!

The point is is that sometimes it still seems really premature to talk about the future of our relationship the way we do.  And it even seems a little crazy that he is moving in so soon and that our cat and dog coexist, and that we've decided on a wedding cake, and the theme of our engagement photos.  We don't talk about them as "ifs" we talk about them as "whens".  And it feels so comfortable and so right and so exciting.  I feel like it's the security and confidence in a romantic relationship that I've always searched for but was never quite sure if it could actually exist.

All of this fairy tale (or maybe let's just call it healthy) relationship goodness would be put to the test a few weeks ago when we attended a friend of his wedding.  He was standing up in the wedding, so I got to be a plus one to eat, drink and spend more time with his friends I've already grown to adore.  The night before the wedding the groomsmen plus me were hitting the bottle pretty hard when I caught myself saying things like "At our wedding..." or "When we get married..." All of a sudden it occurred to me that us talking about our future between him and I is one thing, but what if I am crossing a boundary by sharing this shared confidence in our future with his bros? 

We snuck outside for a moment alone and I asked him if it freaked him out that I was speaking so candidly about a potential marriage, children etc. in front of his friends.  His response was simple and perfect.  "If we don't have something to strive for, than what's the point? If I didn't see that being us and where we end up then why would we be together at all?  I wouldn't talk about it to you if I wouldn't talk about it in front of my friends" A timid, doe-eyed me just looked up and asked "So, it's me you are striving for?" And he said yes. 

Needless to say I spent the rest of the weekend comparing their wedding to the one we strive to have ourselves.  And a few days later I even boldly said "When we get married..." to his mother.  The security of knowing that someone's end goal is you is the greatest feeling in the world.  It can't be bought.  It can only be shown.  And it makes my heart feel safe every day we move forward striving in this relationship together towards our happily ever after.

Remembering To Forget Katie Keller (To Hell and Back and Better)

A lot of people have been encouraging me to start writing again lately. I miss it. I've wanted to come back for quite some time now.  But the idea of just jumping back into telling the story of my life seems more and more daunting as time passes from the last time I checked in with all of you. I feel like I need to find a way to catch you up to speed before I can resume sharing social, personal, relationship, sexual, and otherwise commentary on my 20sSomething life. I would love to call this a brief summary of where we'd left off.  But I have a feeling there will be nothing brief about it.  I will say that once we get this out of the way I will have a blank canvas to start drawing on again. It's just the last few scribbled-on pages need to be torn away before we can get there.  So here goes: 

So my Dad died.  And everything got real foggy.  It was the most intense, disconnected, real, unreal experience of my life.  I remember some things very vividly.  Like my siblings and I embracing on the front lawn, almost in slow motion, holding each other and crying minutes after he took his last breath.  But the day of the actual funeral is a blur of PBRs in the parking lot, Beatles tunes, and a late-night Sonic run. I stopped writing around then because I didn't have anything to say.  I didn't know what or how to feel, so I certainly didn't know what to write. 

After a few months of floating, surviving the days, things started getting weird.  I was receiving cryptic text messages from an unknown number explaining that my boyfriend was cheating on me.  I don't know if I really believed him, or if I was just too sad about everything else to question him, but I assumed it was just a crazy ex of his and let it go.  Well, my lack of response to these texts was not okay for this unknown person on the other side of this unknown number. So texts turned into phone calls. But like, a psychotic amount of phone calls.  We're talking 60 missed calls in under 10 minutes.

With the situation with this person I didn't even have so much of a name of continued to escalate, my boyfriend and I finally decided to go to the cops.  Over the time that we were filing police reports and getting the ball in motion for a restraining order, she had shown up at my house, my work, had taken video of me inside my work, followed him and I around to numerous events and outings. It was scary and it took most of this happening before all the pieces fell apart and my boyfriend admitted that he had been cheating on me with this woman for the vast majority of our relationship.

I didn't want to give up on the relationship though. I was still hurting from everything else, and I didn't feel like hurting more by ending the relationship or fighting to make it work.  So I just lived in it.  But as time wore on, and the truth revealed itself, I had found some of the things he did were plain disgusting.  He held me with one hand while texting her with the other from my father's funeral to make plans.  And those nights that he was "out with friends" he was taking her on dates.  He even shared with her some of my deepest fears and most intimate secrets that no one outside my immediate circle of people has the right to know.  It just all became too much.  It hurt too much. 

As a result of being punched in the stomach with a bunch of sick realities of what he had been doing to me, I started to evaluate if I'd ever been capable of doing this to someone else.  I couldn't imagine I had, at least not to this degree. I mean, not in the midst of losing a loved one.  But if on any level if I was capable of being so deceitful and going to such lengths to disguise my lies.  The only time that I could really remember back to was my senior year high school boyfriend Ryan.  I had an immediate sinking feeling as I remembered that I did cheat on him, albeit we were 18 years old, I cheated on him, he found out, and shortly after he ended the relationship. (I could have maybe learned a few things from his timeline versus mine).

So I sat down one Friday night and wrote an email. I didn't know if the email would be found.  If it would be read, acknowledged, and I was most certain it wouldn't warrant a response.  I wrote an email to Ryan explaining that I looked back at what I had done to him and that it was completely wrong and that I have learned and grown since then, and that I hoped that at some point along the way he could forgive me.  And if not, just know that I was sorry for what I had done and any pain that I may have caused.  I said I hoped he was finding happiness and his life was going well and I signed off.

About an hour later, to my surprise, he responded.  He said it was long in the past, that all people can do is grow and try to be better each day.  He said he had made his fair-share of mistakes and he'd let go of any anger years ago.  My heart immediately felt lighter.  It was as though knowing my sin was forgiven could make me start to heal the wound of what was done to me.  But not with someone, like Ryan said, who wasn't trying to be better each day.  So I ended my relationship with Jason.

A week later after a long series of emails and text messages, I boldly asked Ryan if he'd like to grab a drink sometime.  We had that drink on Thursday, November 13th.  We went on a few dates after that, and he didn't kiss me until the third time we hung out.  Which made me crazy but led to the greatest kiss of my life.  It wasn't like kissing him back in high school.  It was like kissing someone new, better, but in a familiar place. I'm pretty sure I floated away from his face after that kiss. And he's made me float with every kiss since.

We consider our actual anniversary to be in December, as that's when his roommate at the time awkwardly called us boyfriend and girlfriend and we agreed to it.  But since about November 14th and a 1/2 I knew I had found the one that every sad blog has led me to.  Including this one.  I have a feeling deep in my gut that the just previously told story will be the last sad ending in the romantic life of Katie Keller. Every day with him I am reminded of those first few words he said to me about trying to be a better person every day.  And it's easy to want to be when you are with someone that treats you like you deserve to be the best version of yourself always.

April 27th marked the one year anniversary of my Dad passing.  It's been a whole year.  And in that year I've managed to shake the bad and start actively searching for and loving the good.  Both inside of me and around me in my life. An in just 14 short days Ryan and I will share our first home together with a cat and a dog and a real, uncomplicated, simple, true and faithful love.  And I know without a shadow of a doubt in my mind that my Dad would be elated for me (mainly to have someone else around to do the guy things in my life) but because I am being treated the way he'd always hoped for. And standing on my own two feet proudly all the while.

So here we are, folks.  Death, affairs, police and restraining orders, emails to long-lost boyfriends, first kisses, and first homes. You can't say I haven't been busy.  Or at least, as always, entertaining to watch. It's time to start putting my heart back on paper.  Not for you, but for me.  Because it's finally strong enough for it.

Until next time...

Forgetting Katie Keller

For the last 3 years I have poured my heart and soul into this blog.  I have told every story of triumph and failure as it was happening in my life; with my family, my friends, and my relationships.  I have told things on here that I probably should have kept to myself, and I have exposed parts of my life that were probably better off kept hidden.  I have never minded having these stories to look back on.  If anything being able to go back and look at the struggles I have been through has helped me overcome things later in my life.  I have learned from my broken hearts and have grown exponentially over the past 3 years that I have taken the time to document my life lessons.

I guess the concern I have run into lately is that by having all these parts of my life displayed online, it's as if people think they know me.  Where I have been, what's best for me.  And the fact of the matter is I hardly know myself well enough to know where it is I want to be, should be, need to go.  Those stories, that girl that I used to be, are gone now.  I don't know if time has changed me, tragedy, maybe it was just a long time coming.  But I don't feel like the girl who typed those words down so confidently over the last how many months.  She is a stranger to me now, and I sure as hell don't think any of those stories will define who I am supposed to be today and moving forward. That is just who I was, and what I did.  Not who I am, or where I am going.

I will always love to write.  And the joke of this whole thing is that I only enjoy writing about my life, as it is all I know.  But right now I can't even form words to make sense of my heart and my head to my closest friends, nonetheless make them sound whimsical and inviting to you readers out there. The fact of the matter is I am a bit of a lost soul these days.  I don't know how to fix anything; myself, my relationships, my broken heart.  I do know that it is something I will have to figure out entirely on my own.  I am so consumed with how people perceive me.  Whether I am a good enough friend, girlfriend, daughter, sister, coworker. I need to let myself off the hook for everyone else's perceptions and start living my life in the way that is going to make me the happiest.  Fuck if I know what that is, though.

I will write again.  Somewhere, someday when I have something more to say.  It won't be here though.  I'm not "Forget Katie Keller" anymore. I'm not the girl who wears her sexual prowess as a badge of honor.  I am not the girl that kisses and tells.  I am not the girl who needs every moment of her life validated by a "total blog views" number on a stupid website.  These words have been mine, and they can remain as they once were true.  But I am bowing out from this blog.  From that girl.  And trying desperately to figure out what's next. Life is hard. Getting up everyday not knowing if I will ever be able to figure out what I am, and what I want is exhausting.  I am bruised all over from loss and pain and hurt.  I don't know who I trust and what bridges are meant to remain and which are meant to burn.  I don't know what my story is, therefore there really isn't a reason to keep telling one here.

I have loved sharing the good and the bad with you all.  And I have loved even more the support and encouragement I received from my friends and family that took the time to read all my silly words.  They all seemed so big and important when I was writing them.  And now not much of anything seems big and important.  So I'm off to find something big and important.  Something inside my soul tells me that big and important thing will be me.  And whenever I get there, whenever I find what it is I am here for, what I am meant for, I will come back.  I'll have a different story to tell, about a different girl, that did things differently.

Goodnight, and good luck.

Every Day is Father's Day

I have been lacking motivation lately.  I have fallen into this very comfortable phase of good days and bad days and merely just surviving them and the inconsistency of them. Just getting up, fingers crossed, that that day would be one of the good ones. The ones where I cook dinner for the boyfriend and I, we watch tv and movies together and laugh all night.  The ones where I get to spend time with old friends and remember when times were easier and every day didn't feel like a crap-shoot.  Then there are the other days where you really can't even gauge if you are doing anything right. You are underwhelmed with work, and balancing relationships with 4 family members who's worlds all just got rocked just as hard as yours. And every thought of sadness you feel or anger that creeps in, you question whether is a result of those things being true, or the product of having to say goodbye to the most important man you've ever had in your life.

I don't want to be the writer that used to write about relationships and sex, and now just writes sad things about not having a dad anymore.  But losing him is the underlying theme to every good day and every bad day equally.  When things are good, I know he would be so happy of me finding a way to be happy when my heart is so heavy.  And on the bad days, not only feeling I am failing at the finding happy part, but I don't have him there just to have a bad day with.

I don't want to sit down and write about how much I miss him. How many thoughts in every day are dedicated to remembering his greatest one-liners and some of the more raw moments where he helped me out of dark places - at both young and adult ages.  Sometimes they are stories that make me laugh so hard, and then I just want to tell everyone about them. I just want to talk about my dad all day.  Way more than even the most concerned friend is going to want to hear about.  And then the sad days I don't want to talk about him at all because then I feel like every other feeling of sadness, anger, and disappointment is negated by me still clearly grieving his loss.

I guess what I am trying to say is that I don't know how to be Katie Keller without dad yet. Without David Keller - the smart, funny, honest, very very forgiving man.  And until I know how to be me without him, I don't know how much motivation I can muster up beyond the simplest of getting up and doing it again until I figure out who that person is. I do hope that when I do figure her out, she has a little more perspective, a very strong conscience on her shoulder as a result of her undying need to want him to be proud of her, and that's she's just a little bit stronger so that she can figure out what her next chapters will be about.

I Do's and Don'ts

Someday I am going to get married.  And it will be the greatest day of my life.  I'm not one of those girls that planned out her wedding at the age of 9.  I don't have a scrapbook of flower arrangements, or even an idea of what I would want my dress to look like.   I don't know if I want to get married in the spring, or in the winter, or on a beach, or in an igloo.  I have none of the finer details planned.  But I know it will be the greatest day of my life because it will be the day that I stand in front of every person that matters to me and I will look into the eyes of the person that matters the most.  Because the only thing I've ever truly wanted - more than a career, or a nice car or house - is to fall in love with someone and then grow old with them.  To clasp our wrinkly hands together as we take walks around the mall for exercise.  That person that will help me grow, inspire me to be better, and in the worst case scenario hold my hand after 32 years of marriage as I suffer through a terminal illness.  It will be the greatest day of my life.

The thing is, whether my veil falls perfectly over my face, and my future husband's eyes well up with tears just slightly as I start my ascend down the aisle; it has the potential, at best, to be an almost perfect day.  Because even though I haven't obsessed over what the wedding would be as much as that it just would be, the only thing that's always been there are the parts that have to do with your dad.  Your dad walks you down the aisle.  When the officiant says "Who gives this woman's hand in marriage?" your dad says "Her mother and I do." And then he lifts your veil, and his eyes well up with tears just a little, too.  And then he watches a man promise to love and take care of his daughter for as long as they both shall live.  And then he holds you close for a daddy/daughter dance and tells you how beautiful you look that day.  That's what's supposed to happen at your wedding. At least that's what it is for me.  Or what I would want it to be.  But I am not everyone. And I am never going to judge how someone wants to have the best day of their life.  But it's hard to look around, to not just friends but family and see what hurts almost the most about losing my dad: those moments that I will never get to have.  

When we had the benefit for him just a few weeks back I had really wanted to dance with my dad to Rod Stewart's "Forever Young" as that was the song I always imagined we would dance to at my wedding.  It seemed a bit sappy, and lord knows I don't want to remind the guy any more than he already knows that we aren't going to get that moment together later in life. So with the confidence of an onslaught of old friends and family's love and support, and perhaps a few Corona's, the DJ turned it on and my dad and I danced.  And we talked, and we laughed, and we cried a little.  And the most amazing part is my wonderful friend recorded all four and half minutes of it. So of all those dad moments I am going to miss out on one day at my wedding, after I have the first dance with my husband, I will get to have that dance again with my dad.  I got to have that dance, in a Moose Lodge in Berwyn.  And now I get to share that dance with him again at my wedding.  It will be the greatest day of my life.  But it won't be perfect.

I understand that my reaction to weddings these days is amplified with the loss I am experiencing.  And the fact of the matter is, with no prospects on the horizon for marriage anytime soon, it's not something that should consume my thoughts or cause me this much frustration.  So you strip away the event.  You strip away whether it was done in a court house, or a destination wedding.  Whether there were or will be first dances. Whether it's in front of a hundred people or in front of nobody.  That person that I choose to be with, no matter how we choose do it, will never shake my dad's hand.  And I'll never really know if he likes the guy or just tolerates him because he thinks he makes me happy. That, I promise you, is harder to accept than the thought of any missed photo opportunity at my wedding.  

I guess the point I am trying to make is that when you are going through something traumatic sometimes even just the idea of something can be a fierce reminder of something so much bigger and harder.  At the end of the day, still sans scrapbook, I know my wedding will be the greatest day of my life. I have to change my expectations a bit.  I mean, I've already settled on less than perfect.  But my qualifications for perfect aren't everyone's.  And I really do hope they have the best day of their lives.