I have had depression my whole life. (Can someone check and see how many times I have published THAT sentence in this blog?) I like to preface stories with this because it's important to know anything you are thinking in response to this story, I already know. I am not a depression expert, nor am I a doctor. I am simply stating that this has been my normal long enough to not be alarmed by it, but simply to work through it as it comes. As it always comes.
I started a new job just shy of 2 months ago. It is the most ambitions position I have ever accepted, and I knew I was going to have to step up my game significantly to hold my own in this new environment. And what gives me confidence to walk into roles like this is my undying passion to do good. To be good. To produce good results and be successful. It's that mentality that assures me I can do anything in time if I work hard enough at it. It's that same mentality that has made this job a huge trigger for my depression and anxiety.
You see, that undying passion to be good has a tendency of taking up more brain space than it should. And while wanting to learn and be effective in your position is certainly not a bad thing, when that desires creeps into every aspect of your life and starts to blend into everything you do, you can't ever do enough to feel like you are doing good. It never turns off long enough to see the accomplishments behind you. And the standards you hold yourself to professionally become very unattainable standards you hold yourself to in personal relationships or emotionally. You can look at the whole picture objectively like this. Acknowledge what those feelings are, and how unfair they are to put yourself through or hold yourself to. But depression gives no fucks. All it knows is your aren't doing good enough.
Here's a value-add for those of you playing at home: now that I am settling into a job that provides me more money than I've ever made, freedom to work from home, freedom to be creative and excel in a prestigious environment filled with opportunity; I feel guilty as hell being depressed. It is unreasonable to have my emotional reaction to success and monetary stability be stifling sadness. It is unreasonable that after 15+ years of depression and anxiety, and medications, and cognitive behavioral therapy, and in-patient stays, that I still can't just be fucking happy in this moment with everything I have. It's a great cocktail, the depression + anxiety + guilt that I assume I learn from Catholicism.
I have been more sensitive to things I shouldn't be. I find I have more triggers in this particular shade of depression than others. I get really sad when my boyfriend gets excited about Marvel films. Hear me out. I don't get upset that he loves Marvel films, I love that he loves Marvel films. I hate that he has something to get excited about and to look forward to because I don't. I hate that I don't have Marvel films. I am basically triggered by anyone with a hobby. Or that can stay up past 9pm to do social things. Or that don't feel sick to their stomach looking at pictures of themselves. Essentially I am triggered by every representation of what I am not doing for myself in my own life. That's exhausting. Especially because all I have the energy to do is hold myself to unrealistic expectations and put myself down for not being great all the time. And that's a full time job. Who has time for hobbies?
My job is challenging. I am proud to tell people what I do. And I am proud with how much I have learned in 2 months. I know I will find balance again. I know when I have settled into this position my hobbies will come back, and I will be able to make moves without being terrified of failing or letting myself down. I also know that when that happens my depression may manifest itself into new form to meet me there. And that's fine. I'll just come back and write a blog about it. I feel better, thanks for listening.
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