I haven't written a blog since the beginning of the New Year. Probably
because I was so positive and excited about 2012 when I wrote that last
entry that I didn't want to let anybody down by being in the state I am
in now. Which, quite frankly, is really fucking pissed off. I am not
letting go of the notion that this is going to be a good year, and I
want to stay true to my 'HappyThankYouMorePlease' mantra. But God
Dammit has the past week been a shit show.
I won't get into all the gruesome details - all I will say is that HSF
turned out to be just like everyone had warned me that he would. I
learned a valuable lesson that my guy friends are always right when it
comes to men. At least men suitable for one particular KMFK. Adam told
me at Kurt's Christmas party, "are you still seeing that douche bag 20
year old?" to which I immediately jumped to HSF's defense and listed 100
reasons why he was a great guy. "Listen, if you want to fuck around
with him, that's fine. But if you tell us you are going to marry this
kid - we will have to kill him."
Valid.
The red flags are so evident now. And not that it matters - or that I
would've done anything differently. I've said in this blog before and I
will say it again, I want so desperately to see the good in people.
The potential of who they have the capacity of one day becoming. Seeing
someone 5 years down the line though blurs the person that stands in
front of you today. I don't know how many more times I will have to
learn this lesson the hard way.
I was accused of a lot of things in the final goodbye from HSF. Some
really mean, hurtful things. And if I was the person I was 12 months
ago, I would believe him. But I know better about myself now, if
nothing else. And maybe I will make the same mistakes with men over and
over again. But I'll be damned if I will take steps backwards in what I
know to be true about myself. I am not a high maintenance person. I
love with all of my heart, no questions ask. I will give and give and
give everything I have if someone is in my life. I am supportive and
kind, and honest and fair. And for the past 6 months, I dedicated my
heart to him and only him. It wasn't a bad run. In fact, I loved the
time we spent together. I just know that time meant what it did to me
because I was under the impression I was spending it with someone who
had the ability to care about anything besides themselves.
So. We move forward. As Drufke told me the other day, I am no longer
allowed to date anyone who is unemployed - for starters. In fact, I am
going back to my old rules of not dating at all for a while. I know I
said that 6 months ago, and Lord knows I didn't plan on any of this with
HSF to happen. But I am going to hit reset and try again. I am going
to see Jack's Mannequin a week from today (check that one off my musical
bucket list). And I am going with an old friend I am super excited to
reconnect with. This weekend I am going to go see Greg Behrendt at the
Improv (LOVE his standup). And then I am going to go back to work, be
really great at my job, and figure out whatever comes after that.
Probably a combination of more writing, some stand-up, getting some new
websites off the ground with a very ambitious and business savvy
co-worker, and continuing to respect who I am enough not to get myself
into toxic one-sided relationships anymore.
Here's hoping.
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