I have been filled with anxiety this week. I could list off all
contributing factors, but it would require multiple blogs and I fear
that if I don't occasionally reference my sex/dating life that you fine
people will all stop reading. So I will bypass that overwhelming list
and skip to something that has been weighing hard on me the past few
days. I am in a relationship now. It's going well. I am falling, in
that wonderful way you do when you start getting to know someone and let
them get to know you. I fall asleep with strong, warms arms around me
more often than not these days. I get to kiss someone on the regular.
Which is one of my favorite perks of all. There are meals together,
cuddling, and hours spent watching movies and television on the couch. I
have someone to talk to, someone to play with, and someone to get
irrationally mad at when I am having a bad day. It is a relationship,
and it is all the great things that come along with it.
The
problem is that my history with men, and self awareness, set off red
flags left and right that make me feel like I am going to make a bad
decision. Or fall too hard. Or run away. I don't trust the decisions I
make with men, because every one that I have made in the last 10 years
has been wrong. That's obviously an exaggeration. I have been in love
and have been loved. And to be able to say that, in and of itself, shows
that I did something right along the way. But the outcomes of these
relationships, or the people that the men I have been involved with have
turned out to be, were far from the best choices I can make for me.
And after learning these lessons through so many relationships, I feel I
have a responsibility to not let history repeat itself. The simple
fact that I don't want to fail again has me questioning my heart harder
than I am letting it fall in love.
I don't want to run screaming
at the first signs of trouble. But when things aren't great it's also
my responsibility to evaluate whether or not it's bad in a way that's
normal or bad in a way that will land me in the same place I have so many
times before. Part of me thinks it's great that I am being cautious.
That this shows growth that I am trying to determine the outcomes of
choices I am making before and as I am making them. And the other part
of me is terrified that me being terrified of being brokenhearted again
is going to prevent a relationship that is and can make me happy for a
very long time.
I just want to trust myself. I want to not worry
about whether I am thinking too much or too little. There are so many
qualities about myself that I believe in, and know to be true and good.
But anything related to my romantic or sexual relationships are not any
of them. A present moment evaluation of the relationship is to say
that it's good; that I am happy. That although I've been stressed for
the past few weeks for a variety of reasons, at the end of the day I am
happy that he is sitting on the couch in the other room playing video
games. My heart would be broken if he were anywhere else right now. I
get to sit in my room, listen to Del Amitri, and write this blog hashing
out feelings about dealing with my own feelings.
This is the
same shit I would be doing if I were alone, only I am not. I have
someone here that cares about me enough to be here when I needed him to
be, and is comfortable enough to leave me be when I need to write a blog
about my insecurities in our relationship and about life. So I am
going to trust myself for now. Or at least try really hard to.
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