The Ted Mosby Effect

There is an excellent episode of 'How I Met Your Mother' in which the gang tries to convince Ted that in order to get over his break up with his ex Stella, he needs to confront his feelings about her.  Ted goes on to explain that he is from the Midwest, and when people in the Midwest feel pain they push it deep down inside themselves, and if it starts to rise back up, they push more pain down on top of it.  I've always loved this line because I believe it to be so true.  We are the nation's leaders in avoidance.  We suppress, suppress, suppress.  This has been how I have handled most every thing in my life for the past 24 years.  But I am starting to believe that I might be out of room inside.  That I've pushed so much pain on top of so much pain, that my emotional space is at capacity and that is why I haven't been able to really keep down anything that has been going on recently.

I have had some pretty awful things happen to me throughout my life.  And though I consider myself to be an open book, I don't hide my scars well, I have done a great job pushing these things down inside for years and years as opposed to dealing with them as they've happened.  24 years worth of things have been compressed deep inside myself, pressed down with more bad things, and kept closed tight with a padlock made of pseudo-confidence and the larger than life character I portray.  In the past few months I have taken a bit more than usual to stuff deep down within myself at one time.  My father's health being the biggest, and then of course the horribly timed breakup with the ex.  So I went about my normal process of stuffing it all inside and latching it shut behind me.  The problem is, IT'S NOT LATCHING ANYMORE.  It's like an over-packed suitcase, I'm sitting on it, jumping on it, rearranging the contents, I can't seem to close myself up to save my life.

Now, any doctor or rational human being would say "Hey, Katie.  Why don't you get your shit together? Start unloading some of the issues you've pushed down since the age of 14.  Become a lighter, free-er, better person!".  But to be honest, that sounds like a whole thing.  I don't know if I am ready and/or capable of taking that much on right now.  In fact, I really just want a wee bit more space inside myself to deal with what's happening in the only way I know how.  Because if I had that little bit of space left, I wouldn't be crying into my pillow at 1am every other day, sending highly regrettable text messages that don't really solve anything.

I've resigned to the fact that I am going to have to deal with these recent things head on.  I'm sure a noteworthy breakdown is just around the corner.  And when that does happen I hope those closest to me with be patient.  Because I am out of practice in legitimately dealing with my problems.  It will take me some time to find my footing, but I don't know what other option I have.  Unless someone knows where I can find a larger emotional suitcase to repack my issues into.  Now, if you don't mind, I am going to crawl under a table at the nearest Tapas restaurant and wait for Stella to leave.