I most recently asked who you would want standing next to you when all your dreams come true. I spent all week focusing on the type of relationship and type of person I wanted to fill that role, that it didn’t once occur to me that I wasn’t exactly sure of what those dreams even were. I am approaching the big quarter century birthday, and every year I get older I seem to understand less and less what it is I want to be and where it is I want to go. Gun to my head today, I’m sure I would say my dream is to be a writer. Or a record label A&R. Or maybe a promotional manager for an entertainment company. The truth is, I’m not sure what I want to do with the rest of my life.
When I look at my life 10 years from now, I don’t see a career. I don’t see a huge house, huge bank account, or a big office with a great view of some big city. When I look at my life in 10 years I see kids. I see loud, obnoxious, rug-rats making my red curls turn gray by the minute. I see myself helping them with their homework, and reading them books before tucking them into bed. And I see myself working every day to be the most supportive and loving wife to whatever loser ends up sticking it out for the long haul with me. I see myself reassuring him that though we may not have all the money in the world, that he should continue going after his dream of being a rock star, comedian, basketball player, magician…whatever.
Maybe that’s why I have always gravitated towards marketing. The happiest moments I can remember over the past 25 years have had far less to do with me. And so much more to do with seeing the success of the people around me. Especially if I had a hand in that success, to know that the effort I make can bring to life to the dreams of someone else. That’s why I can’t wait to have kids. To create something for the sole purpose of being in their corner, loving them and supporting them unconditionally. Even when they don’t deserve it. And to feel so proud in the moments that they discover their own happiness.
I’m pretty bad at handling my own life. I run from my problems, I avoid dealing with the real issues. I have become a master of pushing things so far down that in the far and few between moments I actually talk about them, it’s like I am telling stories about a stranger. The moments that I feel at my best, and strongest, and the least alone, it’s when I am making someone else feel their best, and strongest, and least alone.
So I guess that’s my dream. To be someone that matters to other people. To be the person that is standing next to someone when their dreams come true.
3.23.2012
3.18.2012
Who's Standing Next To You When All Your Dreams Come True?
One of the coolest guys I have ever dated was a stunt man named Chris. He was bartending at the time that I met him - and when he had started to tell me about all the cool gigs he had in the past, at first I didn’t believe him. I mean, really, if you won a SAG award for being in the Dark Knight you wouldn’t be slinging me rum and pineapples at the bar across the street from my work. Even more awesome than being the clown that got kicked in the chest by Heath Ledger, he was actually in my favorite movie of all time. He was the stunt man that took an air conditioner to the face in place of Tim Robbins in High Fidelity. (You can go ahead and do the math now, he was a bit older than me.)
Right before we started seeing each other, he had taken a job playing Dennis Hopper’s character in a live action version of Waterworld for Universal Studios - Singapore. It was one of those romances that is created on knowing that it would be over in a few short weeks. Everything that you would normally feel getting to know someone and share a few goodnight kisses with is amplified by a billion because you are trying to fit an entire relationship into such a small window of time.
He took me to dinner, and to movies. He always held the door open, and put his hand on the small of my back to lead me through a crowd. We did sleep together, only once, and only right before he had left. And it was nice. It was romantic. It was a little drunk, but it felt like something really great would have happened given we had more time. He joked, at least I think he was joking, that I should just go with him. That Universal Studios would be paying for his housing - and as long as I could get passed the chewing gum ban that maybe Singapore would be a great place for me to be. With him.
As I was perusing my facebook wall today, I had noticed a post from Chris in which he mentioned finally coming home after being gone since October 2009. Reading this provoked a number of emotional responses. First of which being - 2009? Are you kidding me? That was 4 years ago?! I am old as shit. The second one was being reminded of this really nice time I spent with this really nice guy that treated me well. That wanted to be with me, and show me how a woman like myself is supposed to be treated (not that that woman deserved it as much as the woman I have become). The third and last reaction I had, which really is what motivated this post, is how the relationships we choose to keep or walk away from do matter. It all matters.
What would my life be if I had gone to Singapore? Chris wouldn’t be with his adorably blonde Australian now girlfriend. What would my life be like if I followed Mikey B to Boston? Or followed Jerod to the mountains - or Hawaii? This week Andy’s wife had his baby. What if I had kept Andy’s baby? It becomes entirely too much pressure to realize that every decision you make affects everything else that will ever happen to you. It makes you really want to be smarter with the decisions that you make today. About who you choose to fight for, fight with, or walk away from entirely. And it makes it next to impossible to say goodbye to something that you can see somewhere in a distant place making you really happy. But what if you get to that distant place - and it doesn’t. Then you have to sit down and hash out a blog about the decision that you made in this moment being the wrong one.
Like mentioned in my most previous blog, it’s all a roll of the dice anyways I guess. All you can do is listen to your heart and try to be a good person. Here’s hoping that will be enough to guide me to where I am supposed to be. That it will guide me to the person I want standing next to me when all my dreams come true.
Right before we started seeing each other, he had taken a job playing Dennis Hopper’s character in a live action version of Waterworld for Universal Studios - Singapore. It was one of those romances that is created on knowing that it would be over in a few short weeks. Everything that you would normally feel getting to know someone and share a few goodnight kisses with is amplified by a billion because you are trying to fit an entire relationship into such a small window of time.
He took me to dinner, and to movies. He always held the door open, and put his hand on the small of my back to lead me through a crowd. We did sleep together, only once, and only right before he had left. And it was nice. It was romantic. It was a little drunk, but it felt like something really great would have happened given we had more time. He joked, at least I think he was joking, that I should just go with him. That Universal Studios would be paying for his housing - and as long as I could get passed the chewing gum ban that maybe Singapore would be a great place for me to be. With him.
As I was perusing my facebook wall today, I had noticed a post from Chris in which he mentioned finally coming home after being gone since October 2009. Reading this provoked a number of emotional responses. First of which being - 2009? Are you kidding me? That was 4 years ago?! I am old as shit. The second one was being reminded of this really nice time I spent with this really nice guy that treated me well. That wanted to be with me, and show me how a woman like myself is supposed to be treated (not that that woman deserved it as much as the woman I have become). The third and last reaction I had, which really is what motivated this post, is how the relationships we choose to keep or walk away from do matter. It all matters.
What would my life be if I had gone to Singapore? Chris wouldn’t be with his adorably blonde Australian now girlfriend. What would my life be like if I followed Mikey B to Boston? Or followed Jerod to the mountains - or Hawaii? This week Andy’s wife had his baby. What if I had kept Andy’s baby? It becomes entirely too much pressure to realize that every decision you make affects everything else that will ever happen to you. It makes you really want to be smarter with the decisions that you make today. About who you choose to fight for, fight with, or walk away from entirely. And it makes it next to impossible to say goodbye to something that you can see somewhere in a distant place making you really happy. But what if you get to that distant place - and it doesn’t. Then you have to sit down and hash out a blog about the decision that you made in this moment being the wrong one.
Like mentioned in my most previous blog, it’s all a roll of the dice anyways I guess. All you can do is listen to your heart and try to be a good person. Here’s hoping that will be enough to guide me to where I am supposed to be. That it will guide me to the person I want standing next to me when all my dreams come true.
3.13.2012
Close Your Eyes.
Dating is ridiculous. I understand that I pour my heart out into this blog, from first kisses to past heartbreaks. But just because I can put words on a page, I will be the first to admit that I am far from being good at it. It’s awful. It’s awful with a spattering of good moments that aren’t riddled with crippling insecurity and self doubt.
Dating in high school was easier. It was definitely more dramatic, but still in so many ways a lot easier. That was a time in my life where the relationships I had with men were built solely on the individual time we spent together. The things that we got to learn about each other and the memories that we were making as we were learning how to grow up. Today I feel like 60% of relationships are built off of that, and the other 40% is nothing more than noise from facebook and twitter. And ex-girlfriends being a click away. And suspect pictures from a party that you weren’t at get tagged onto someone’s wall.
For someone that has enough men and trust issues for an entire Bad Girl’s Club cast, I know relationships are hard enough for me without the pressure of social media. I know that without the internet I will still find a million reasons to stay unattached, or become too attached for all the wrong reasons. I have created a big enough obstacle in my own head and heart - it sometimes seem impossible enough to maintain a relationship before the temptation of digging for more reasons not to trust or to go in expecting the worst.
Moving forward with the relationship(s) in my life, I want to make it a point to detach myself from any more reason to be afraid. I want stop searching for reasons to not trust someone, instead of letting my heart make a decision based entirely on the good moments and the real connection I am building with a person. I want to learn to trust my heart more than I don’t trust what human beings are capable of when it comes to matters of the heart.
At the end of the day this has just as much of a chance of blowing up in my face as if I don’t go searching for the self-destruct button. It’s a roll of the dice. A complete and total gamble. I have come up short so many times before trying to protect myself that maybe I will have better luck if I close my eyes and let myself feel all the good it can. And try to find trust and love in a different place, in a different way. I mean, I figure worse case scenario I’ll just bitch about it in my blog later.
“Don’t let it be a roller-coaster. Just keep things calm. And do it until it doesn’t work anymore.”
Dating in high school was easier. It was definitely more dramatic, but still in so many ways a lot easier. That was a time in my life where the relationships I had with men were built solely on the individual time we spent together. The things that we got to learn about each other and the memories that we were making as we were learning how to grow up. Today I feel like 60% of relationships are built off of that, and the other 40% is nothing more than noise from facebook and twitter. And ex-girlfriends being a click away. And suspect pictures from a party that you weren’t at get tagged onto someone’s wall.
For someone that has enough men and trust issues for an entire Bad Girl’s Club cast, I know relationships are hard enough for me without the pressure of social media. I know that without the internet I will still find a million reasons to stay unattached, or become too attached for all the wrong reasons. I have created a big enough obstacle in my own head and heart - it sometimes seem impossible enough to maintain a relationship before the temptation of digging for more reasons not to trust or to go in expecting the worst.
Moving forward with the relationship(s) in my life, I want to make it a point to detach myself from any more reason to be afraid. I want stop searching for reasons to not trust someone, instead of letting my heart make a decision based entirely on the good moments and the real connection I am building with a person. I want to learn to trust my heart more than I don’t trust what human beings are capable of when it comes to matters of the heart.
At the end of the day this has just as much of a chance of blowing up in my face as if I don’t go searching for the self-destruct button. It’s a roll of the dice. A complete and total gamble. I have come up short so many times before trying to protect myself that maybe I will have better luck if I close my eyes and let myself feel all the good it can. And try to find trust and love in a different place, in a different way. I mean, I figure worse case scenario I’ll just bitch about it in my blog later.
“Don’t let it be a roller-coaster. Just keep things calm. And do it until it doesn’t work anymore.”
3.05.2012
The Trouble With Fictitious Boyfriends
It’s probably because I am sick that I am feeling a touch over emotional these past few days. Being sick always makes me feel extra vulnerable. I think that it’s pretty common for people to feel their inner child most when in pain or ill. That part of you, no matter how old, that just wants their dad to bring them a Gatorade and their mom to give them a hug and tell them they will feel better soon. Your body is weak and tired, it becomes easily confused when 5 to 7 hour naps turn your time clock upside down- and what feels like 5pm could literally be the next morning without you even knowing it.
So I’m a bit under the weather. Times like these I am most relieved that I live alone. I can sit under a pile of my own raggedy snot-filled tissues, crying over One Tree Hill, and drinking DayQuil from the bottle. No judgment zone. Just me and my cat feeling shitty and sorry for ourselves all by our lonesome.
Maybe I have been feeling a bit too sorry for myself the past few days. And maybe it’s because, much like the blizzard of 11’ and one of the biggest arguments between Charlie and I where I watched entirely too much Mad About You and became angry with him for not being more like Paul Reiser, I have spent the weekend fantasizing over a relationship with Chad Michael Murray as Lucas Scott. But instead of picking a fight with the obvious opponent at this juncture of my romantic life - I am opting to float myself down to earth with this here blog.
Basically, in having another one of my “it should be more like the movies” moments, I decided to stop fighting that same fight I have with myself every 3 months - and this time just accept that this is the situation I have signed myself up for. I can’t expect it to all of a sudden be something it never was. And if that is good enough for me, than great. I shouldn’t question it. And in the moments that it’s not good enough, what’s the point of sulking in the disappointments. I know what this is. I know what this isn’t. And until I either make it better or walk there is no point in getting worked up over it.
Sure, I’m still going to get misty eyed when Nathan tells Haley that he wants to start his forever with her. I don’t know if there is a relationship I could be in or not be in that would prevent that reaction. I just want to hit the off switch this time. I don’t want to feel hurt or sad. I just don’t want to feel any of it right now.
Maybe when I am back to health these things will seem tiny. Or maybe I will have the strength enough to deal with them. For now, I’m going back to Tree Hill. I’ll be with my boyfriend Luke and his 6 pack abs if you need me.
So I’m a bit under the weather. Times like these I am most relieved that I live alone. I can sit under a pile of my own raggedy snot-filled tissues, crying over One Tree Hill, and drinking DayQuil from the bottle. No judgment zone. Just me and my cat feeling shitty and sorry for ourselves all by our lonesome.
Maybe I have been feeling a bit too sorry for myself the past few days. And maybe it’s because, much like the blizzard of 11’ and one of the biggest arguments between Charlie and I where I watched entirely too much Mad About You and became angry with him for not being more like Paul Reiser, I have spent the weekend fantasizing over a relationship with Chad Michael Murray as Lucas Scott. But instead of picking a fight with the obvious opponent at this juncture of my romantic life - I am opting to float myself down to earth with this here blog.
Basically, in having another one of my “it should be more like the movies” moments, I decided to stop fighting that same fight I have with myself every 3 months - and this time just accept that this is the situation I have signed myself up for. I can’t expect it to all of a sudden be something it never was. And if that is good enough for me, than great. I shouldn’t question it. And in the moments that it’s not good enough, what’s the point of sulking in the disappointments. I know what this is. I know what this isn’t. And until I either make it better or walk there is no point in getting worked up over it.
Sure, I’m still going to get misty eyed when Nathan tells Haley that he wants to start his forever with her. I don’t know if there is a relationship I could be in or not be in that would prevent that reaction. I just want to hit the off switch this time. I don’t want to feel hurt or sad. I just don’t want to feel any of it right now.
Maybe when I am back to health these things will seem tiny. Or maybe I will have the strength enough to deal with them. For now, I’m going back to Tree Hill. I’ll be with my boyfriend Luke and his 6 pack abs if you need me.
2.22.2012
God Helps Those Who Help Themselves
"There comes a time in your life, when you walk away from the drama and
people who create it. You surround yourself with people who make you
laugh. Forget the bad, focus on the good. Love the people that treat
you right, and pray for the ones who don't. Life is too short to be
anything but happy. Falling down is apart of life, getting back up is
living."
This is probably the wrong forum for this. But to be quite honest, I want to say what I feel I need to say for myself. To pick up a phone, write a letter, talk one on one to the people that expect me to say something would be a waste of my time. Because I wouldn't be saying it for me then, I would be saying it for them. And there is absolutely no point in saying anything to them, because they aren't going to hear me anyways. Maybe that is a terribly negative way to look at the situation, but after a while you have to decide it's not worth the fight anymore. And sometimes walking away from a fight requires seeing that you didn't stand a chance in hell of winning it anyways.
I have grown up a lot in the past few years. I joke around about it all the time, but I haven't been arrested for anything stupid like missing a court date, or driving on a suspended. I have been slowly chipping away at my bills - manning up to bill collectors when they call, as opposed to changing addresses every 6 months in hopes they never catch me. I have found a job that I love doing. I work for people that trust me enough to let me learn as I go along. They have let me grow and challenge myself because they have taken a chance on me and let me go for it. Because they truly, genuinely believe in me. And they believe in me despite every mistake I have made along the way. That's a truly extraordinary thing to find in an employer. Oh, and just yesterday - I got a raise.
I have discovered some pretty phenomenal friendships throughout the past few years, also. I am blessed to be surrounded by people that love me for who I am, not what I've done or the mistakes I have made. I have friends that challenge me to be better always, but never leave my corner. Ones that make me laugh when I don't think there could possibly be anything to laugh about. And most importantly friends that have shown me that life is good. And it's supposed to be fun. And it doesn't need to be filled with petty arguments and judgements. That you can simply care for one another - and find peace in knowing that even on a bad day - you've got them.
I am tired of apologizing to people that don't agree that the way I do things is okay. Because, you know what, it really is. Whether it would be the way that you would live my life isn't worth discussing. It's not your life. Go live your own. And if you wonder why I have pulled myself so far away from you, it's because you can believe whatever you want about me. About who I am, what I do, when I do it and who I am doing it with. You are allowed to believe whatever you want, but I also get to decide to stop spending my time and energy defending my life. I'd rather be out living it. Has this cancer taught us nothing?
I love my family. I love them with all my heart. I love them enough to do what I need to do to be happy and healthy. I hope someday that is appreciated and respected. But in the more likely chance that it never will be, I am going to gather the strength enough to stop looking for it. At least there. I have some amazing mirrors in the people I surround myself with now. People that care enough to show me that despite the bad I may have done, I am a better person now. And I deserve to be treated that way.
This is probably the wrong forum for this. But to be quite honest, I want to say what I feel I need to say for myself. To pick up a phone, write a letter, talk one on one to the people that expect me to say something would be a waste of my time. Because I wouldn't be saying it for me then, I would be saying it for them. And there is absolutely no point in saying anything to them, because they aren't going to hear me anyways. Maybe that is a terribly negative way to look at the situation, but after a while you have to decide it's not worth the fight anymore. And sometimes walking away from a fight requires seeing that you didn't stand a chance in hell of winning it anyways.
I have grown up a lot in the past few years. I joke around about it all the time, but I haven't been arrested for anything stupid like missing a court date, or driving on a suspended. I have been slowly chipping away at my bills - manning up to bill collectors when they call, as opposed to changing addresses every 6 months in hopes they never catch me. I have found a job that I love doing. I work for people that trust me enough to let me learn as I go along. They have let me grow and challenge myself because they have taken a chance on me and let me go for it. Because they truly, genuinely believe in me. And they believe in me despite every mistake I have made along the way. That's a truly extraordinary thing to find in an employer. Oh, and just yesterday - I got a raise.
I have discovered some pretty phenomenal friendships throughout the past few years, also. I am blessed to be surrounded by people that love me for who I am, not what I've done or the mistakes I have made. I have friends that challenge me to be better always, but never leave my corner. Ones that make me laugh when I don't think there could possibly be anything to laugh about. And most importantly friends that have shown me that life is good. And it's supposed to be fun. And it doesn't need to be filled with petty arguments and judgements. That you can simply care for one another - and find peace in knowing that even on a bad day - you've got them.
I am tired of apologizing to people that don't agree that the way I do things is okay. Because, you know what, it really is. Whether it would be the way that you would live my life isn't worth discussing. It's not your life. Go live your own. And if you wonder why I have pulled myself so far away from you, it's because you can believe whatever you want about me. About who I am, what I do, when I do it and who I am doing it with. You are allowed to believe whatever you want, but I also get to decide to stop spending my time and energy defending my life. I'd rather be out living it. Has this cancer taught us nothing?
I love my family. I love them with all my heart. I love them enough to do what I need to do to be happy and healthy. I hope someday that is appreciated and respected. But in the more likely chance that it never will be, I am going to gather the strength enough to stop looking for it. At least there. I have some amazing mirrors in the people I surround myself with now. People that care enough to show me that despite the bad I may have done, I am a better person now. And I deserve to be treated that way.
2.21.2012
Always a Groomsman, Never a Bride.
I've been battling a bit of writer's block the past few days. I put a
lot of pressure on myself to write in here regularly, but I am also not
one to sit down and write unless something gets me all fired up and it
becomes necessary to vocalize it. And this is something so very
universal, that I am sure I am not saying anything you haven't all
independently thought of over your personal experiences with dating.
But I digress.
I believe human beings are hardwired to want most the things they do not have. And this becomes difficult when you are trying to maintain a relationship with someone who has the things that you want, and they won't give them to you. The hardest part not being that they have it, but more so that what you have isn't what they want. At least, it's not what they think they want - because they already have it.
Let me explain.
A friend of mine recently developed a friendship with a girl who will often express the qualities in him she wishes she could find in someone else. Which is completely backwards - are you not saying that I am what you are looking for? And is it merely because I am available to you that you keep looking for those things elsewhere? Well, he's been down about it. "I'm always the nice guy - the one they want their boyfriends to be like." Yeah. Well... that's life.
I have maintained a certain level of friendship with HSF since he has left for college. And often times he will mention to me the qualities in the girls down at school that he doesn't like. The fact that they are more like this, and less like me. Or at least that's what it reads like. And it's a tough pill for me to swallow. Constantly hearing this description of the girl he is looking for, that on more than one point seems to be a pretty close description of me. But, guess what? It's still not me.
I have mostly guy friends. And I have struggled for so long watching them all go off in search of this dream girl that I am pretty sure is a close fit to everything they know I already am. But I am just as guilty of it as they are. I have looked at them in a nonsexual way for over 10 years, and when I look more closely at what I want in a man they are the names the first spring to mind. They are smart, kind, funny, driven, and passionate men. But because I have always gotten to enjoy these qualities from them with no romantic relationship having to exist - I have never looked to them for anything physical. (Okay, maybe drunkenly after a wedding, but that's it.)
So I don't have any answers or anything to offer really - at least any more than validating that this is happening to everyone. All us single people with friends that is. So what are our options? We can either move on from the people that we stand in front of, offering what seems to be everything that they are looking for, yet never take. Or we can sit idly by as they hunt for someone else, within view of our bleeding hearts, and always wonder if walking away could be that one thing to make them see it's always been you.
I believe human beings are hardwired to want most the things they do not have. And this becomes difficult when you are trying to maintain a relationship with someone who has the things that you want, and they won't give them to you. The hardest part not being that they have it, but more so that what you have isn't what they want. At least, it's not what they think they want - because they already have it.
Let me explain.
A friend of mine recently developed a friendship with a girl who will often express the qualities in him she wishes she could find in someone else. Which is completely backwards - are you not saying that I am what you are looking for? And is it merely because I am available to you that you keep looking for those things elsewhere? Well, he's been down about it. "I'm always the nice guy - the one they want their boyfriends to be like." Yeah. Well... that's life.
I have maintained a certain level of friendship with HSF since he has left for college. And often times he will mention to me the qualities in the girls down at school that he doesn't like. The fact that they are more like this, and less like me. Or at least that's what it reads like. And it's a tough pill for me to swallow. Constantly hearing this description of the girl he is looking for, that on more than one point seems to be a pretty close description of me. But, guess what? It's still not me.
I have mostly guy friends. And I have struggled for so long watching them all go off in search of this dream girl that I am pretty sure is a close fit to everything they know I already am. But I am just as guilty of it as they are. I have looked at them in a nonsexual way for over 10 years, and when I look more closely at what I want in a man they are the names the first spring to mind. They are smart, kind, funny, driven, and passionate men. But because I have always gotten to enjoy these qualities from them with no romantic relationship having to exist - I have never looked to them for anything physical. (Okay, maybe drunkenly after a wedding, but that's it.)
So I don't have any answers or anything to offer really - at least any more than validating that this is happening to everyone. All us single people with friends that is. So what are our options? We can either move on from the people that we stand in front of, offering what seems to be everything that they are looking for, yet never take. Or we can sit idly by as they hunt for someone else, within view of our bleeding hearts, and always wonder if walking away could be that one thing to make them see it's always been you.
2.08.2012
Just Be Nice and Have Fun.
Just Be Nice.
"If you have nothing nice to say don't say anything at all"
"You catch more flies with honey."
"Treat others like you would like to be treated."
I spent most of my life thinking these were things my parents told me in hopes of keeping me out of the principal's office. Or more importantly to save them the trip in to discuss me pushing Timmy down on the playground (or in my case calling Tiffany Mianulli a slut in the 3rd grade). But as I have gotten older and have been dealing with people, be it in my many years in customer service, or just in my personal relationships - all of those things hold so very true. Be nice. Just be nice.
I realized today that I would rather accomplish nothing, earn nothing, end up no where, live in a box behind Walmart then get somewhere or become something by not being nice. Life is too short. And you have no idea what a person has been through, what their life story is. So how dare you cut them down, be short or rude to them? You don't know. The only thing we DO KNOW is that being nice is always better. Just be nice. And the shitty thing is sometimes nice goes unnoticed. Sometimes you do everything in your power to be nice, and it doesn't matter to the people you hope it does. But I will promise you this, the mean things you do, the times that you aren't nice, those will matter EVERY time. And never in a good way. You will hurt the wrong person, break the heart of someone just trying to do good, or even worse give a mean person a reason to keep being mean. Just be nice. It's harder to be nice sometimes. But do it anyways. Just be nice.
And have fun.
You gotta have fun. The only thing I have begun to believe in as much as being nice is having fun. If you are working your ass off to be a musician, a comedian, a wife, a good friend - it will all be for nothing if you aren't having fun. You may never accomplish what you set out to do. You may always work in that cubicle. There is no telling. You can have fun though. You can make fun, find fun, be fun. Don't take life so seriously. Maybe I don't do things the way people want me to do them. Maybe I am not becoming the person that other people expect me to be. What I wish they did see, though, is that I'm just having fun. And if I get hit by a bus tomorrow, you bet your ass I am going to be glad my friend left you a voicemail telling you I love and miss you. Even if I was drunk. Because, you know what? I was having fun. That is what I will remember. Not how many glasses of wine were too many glasses that night.
And please don't get me wrong. I don't define fun by a number of drinks. But if that is fun at that moment, if I'm having FUN, then I'm doing it right. I have fun going to comedy shows. I have fun talking for hours with my best friend. I have fun freaking out about Andrew McMahon with my girlfriend. I have fun dancing around my house late at night in my underwear and singing at the top of my lungs as if my neighbors can't actually hear me. I have fun making my bosses proud of my work. I have fun making my coworkers laugh. I can have fun anywhere. With anyone. Because YOU GOTTA HAVE FUN. It's SUPPOSED TO BE FUN!
I'll step off my soapbox now. Live your life the way you want to live it. Don't let anyone make you feel like you aren't doing it right. But just try, just a little, to be nice and have fun. I promise you - it's so worth it.
"If you have nothing nice to say don't say anything at all"
"You catch more flies with honey."
"Treat others like you would like to be treated."
I spent most of my life thinking these were things my parents told me in hopes of keeping me out of the principal's office. Or more importantly to save them the trip in to discuss me pushing Timmy down on the playground (or in my case calling Tiffany Mianulli a slut in the 3rd grade). But as I have gotten older and have been dealing with people, be it in my many years in customer service, or just in my personal relationships - all of those things hold so very true. Be nice. Just be nice.
I realized today that I would rather accomplish nothing, earn nothing, end up no where, live in a box behind Walmart then get somewhere or become something by not being nice. Life is too short. And you have no idea what a person has been through, what their life story is. So how dare you cut them down, be short or rude to them? You don't know. The only thing we DO KNOW is that being nice is always better. Just be nice. And the shitty thing is sometimes nice goes unnoticed. Sometimes you do everything in your power to be nice, and it doesn't matter to the people you hope it does. But I will promise you this, the mean things you do, the times that you aren't nice, those will matter EVERY time. And never in a good way. You will hurt the wrong person, break the heart of someone just trying to do good, or even worse give a mean person a reason to keep being mean. Just be nice. It's harder to be nice sometimes. But do it anyways. Just be nice.
And have fun.
You gotta have fun. The only thing I have begun to believe in as much as being nice is having fun. If you are working your ass off to be a musician, a comedian, a wife, a good friend - it will all be for nothing if you aren't having fun. You may never accomplish what you set out to do. You may always work in that cubicle. There is no telling. You can have fun though. You can make fun, find fun, be fun. Don't take life so seriously. Maybe I don't do things the way people want me to do them. Maybe I am not becoming the person that other people expect me to be. What I wish they did see, though, is that I'm just having fun. And if I get hit by a bus tomorrow, you bet your ass I am going to be glad my friend left you a voicemail telling you I love and miss you. Even if I was drunk. Because, you know what? I was having fun. That is what I will remember. Not how many glasses of wine were too many glasses that night.
And please don't get me wrong. I don't define fun by a number of drinks. But if that is fun at that moment, if I'm having FUN, then I'm doing it right. I have fun going to comedy shows. I have fun talking for hours with my best friend. I have fun freaking out about Andrew McMahon with my girlfriend. I have fun dancing around my house late at night in my underwear and singing at the top of my lungs as if my neighbors can't actually hear me. I have fun making my bosses proud of my work. I have fun making my coworkers laugh. I can have fun anywhere. With anyone. Because YOU GOTTA HAVE FUN. It's SUPPOSED TO BE FUN!
I'll step off my soapbox now. Live your life the way you want to live it. Don't let anyone make you feel like you aren't doing it right. But just try, just a little, to be nice and have fun. I promise you - it's so worth it.
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