"There comes a time in your life, when you walk away from the drama and
people who create it. You surround yourself with people who make you
laugh. Forget the bad, focus on the good. Love the people that treat
you right, and pray for the ones who don't. Life is too short to be
anything but happy. Falling down is apart of life, getting back up is
living."
This is probably the wrong forum for this. But to
be quite honest, I want to say what I feel I need to say for myself. To
pick up a phone, write a letter, talk one on one to the people that
expect me to say something would be a waste of my time. Because I
wouldn't be saying it for me then, I would be saying it for them. And
there is absolutely no point in saying anything to them, because they
aren't going to hear me anyways. Maybe that is a terribly negative way
to look at the situation, but after a while you have to decide it's not
worth the fight anymore. And sometimes walking away from a fight
requires seeing that you didn't stand a chance in hell of winning it
anyways.
I have grown up a lot in the past few years. I joke around about it
all the time, but I haven't been arrested for anything stupid like
missing a court date, or driving on a suspended. I have been slowly
chipping away at my bills - manning up to bill collectors when they
call, as opposed to changing addresses every 6 months in hopes they
never catch me. I have found a job that I love doing. I work for
people that trust me enough to let me learn as I go along. They have
let me grow and challenge myself because they have taken a chance on me
and let me go for it. Because they truly, genuinely believe in me. And
they believe in me despite every mistake I have made along the way.
That's a truly extraordinary thing to find in an employer. Oh, and just
yesterday - I got a raise.
I have discovered some pretty phenomenal friendships throughout the past few years, also.
I am blessed to be surrounded by people that love me for who I am, not
what I've done or the mistakes I have made. I have friends that
challenge me to be better always, but never leave my corner. Ones that
make me laugh when I don't think there could possibly be anything to
laugh about. And most importantly friends that have shown me that life
is good. And it's supposed to be fun. And it doesn't need to be filled
with petty arguments and judgements. That you can simply care for one
another - and find peace in knowing that even on a bad day - you've got
them.
I am tired of apologizing to people that don't agree that the way I do things is okay. Because, you know what, it really is.
Whether it would be the way that you would live my life isn't worth
discussing. It's not your life. Go live your own. And if you wonder
why I have pulled myself so far away from you, it's because you can
believe whatever you want about me. About who I am, what I do, when I
do it and who I am doing it with. You are allowed to believe whatever
you want, but I also get to decide to stop spending my time and energy
defending my life. I'd rather be out living it. Has this cancer taught
us nothing?
I love my family. I love them with all my heart. I love them
enough to do what I need to do to be happy and healthy. I hope someday
that is appreciated and respected. But in the more likely chance that
it never will be, I am going to gather the strength enough to stop
looking for it. At least there. I have some amazing mirrors in the
people I surround myself with now. People that care enough to show me
that despite the bad I may have done, I am a better person now. And I
deserve to be treated that way.
2.21.2012
Always a Groomsman, Never a Bride.
I've been battling a bit of writer's block the past few days. I put a
lot of pressure on myself to write in here regularly, but I am also not
one to sit down and write unless something gets me all fired up and it
becomes necessary to vocalize it. And this is something so very
universal, that I am sure I am not saying anything you haven't all
independently thought of over your personal experiences with dating.
But I digress.
I believe human beings are hardwired to want most the things they do not have. And this becomes difficult when you are trying to maintain a relationship with someone who has the things that you want, and they won't give them to you. The hardest part not being that they have it, but more so that what you have isn't what they want. At least, it's not what they think they want - because they already have it.
Let me explain.
A friend of mine recently developed a friendship with a girl who will often express the qualities in him she wishes she could find in someone else. Which is completely backwards - are you not saying that I am what you are looking for? And is it merely because I am available to you that you keep looking for those things elsewhere? Well, he's been down about it. "I'm always the nice guy - the one they want their boyfriends to be like." Yeah. Well... that's life.
I have maintained a certain level of friendship with HSF since he has left for college. And often times he will mention to me the qualities in the girls down at school that he doesn't like. The fact that they are more like this, and less like me. Or at least that's what it reads like. And it's a tough pill for me to swallow. Constantly hearing this description of the girl he is looking for, that on more than one point seems to be a pretty close description of me. But, guess what? It's still not me.
I have mostly guy friends. And I have struggled for so long watching them all go off in search of this dream girl that I am pretty sure is a close fit to everything they know I already am. But I am just as guilty of it as they are. I have looked at them in a nonsexual way for over 10 years, and when I look more closely at what I want in a man they are the names the first spring to mind. They are smart, kind, funny, driven, and passionate men. But because I have always gotten to enjoy these qualities from them with no romantic relationship having to exist - I have never looked to them for anything physical. (Okay, maybe drunkenly after a wedding, but that's it.)
So I don't have any answers or anything to offer really - at least any more than validating that this is happening to everyone. All us single people with friends that is. So what are our options? We can either move on from the people that we stand in front of, offering what seems to be everything that they are looking for, yet never take. Or we can sit idly by as they hunt for someone else, within view of our bleeding hearts, and always wonder if walking away could be that one thing to make them see it's always been you.
I believe human beings are hardwired to want most the things they do not have. And this becomes difficult when you are trying to maintain a relationship with someone who has the things that you want, and they won't give them to you. The hardest part not being that they have it, but more so that what you have isn't what they want. At least, it's not what they think they want - because they already have it.
Let me explain.
A friend of mine recently developed a friendship with a girl who will often express the qualities in him she wishes she could find in someone else. Which is completely backwards - are you not saying that I am what you are looking for? And is it merely because I am available to you that you keep looking for those things elsewhere? Well, he's been down about it. "I'm always the nice guy - the one they want their boyfriends to be like." Yeah. Well... that's life.
I have maintained a certain level of friendship with HSF since he has left for college. And often times he will mention to me the qualities in the girls down at school that he doesn't like. The fact that they are more like this, and less like me. Or at least that's what it reads like. And it's a tough pill for me to swallow. Constantly hearing this description of the girl he is looking for, that on more than one point seems to be a pretty close description of me. But, guess what? It's still not me.
I have mostly guy friends. And I have struggled for so long watching them all go off in search of this dream girl that I am pretty sure is a close fit to everything they know I already am. But I am just as guilty of it as they are. I have looked at them in a nonsexual way for over 10 years, and when I look more closely at what I want in a man they are the names the first spring to mind. They are smart, kind, funny, driven, and passionate men. But because I have always gotten to enjoy these qualities from them with no romantic relationship having to exist - I have never looked to them for anything physical. (Okay, maybe drunkenly after a wedding, but that's it.)
So I don't have any answers or anything to offer really - at least any more than validating that this is happening to everyone. All us single people with friends that is. So what are our options? We can either move on from the people that we stand in front of, offering what seems to be everything that they are looking for, yet never take. Or we can sit idly by as they hunt for someone else, within view of our bleeding hearts, and always wonder if walking away could be that one thing to make them see it's always been you.
2.08.2012
Just Be Nice and Have Fun.
Just Be Nice.
"If you have nothing nice to say don't say anything at all"
"You catch more flies with honey."
"Treat others like you would like to be treated."
I spent most of my life thinking these were things my parents told me in hopes of keeping me out of the principal's office. Or more importantly to save them the trip in to discuss me pushing Timmy down on the playground (or in my case calling Tiffany Mianulli a slut in the 3rd grade). But as I have gotten older and have been dealing with people, be it in my many years in customer service, or just in my personal relationships - all of those things hold so very true. Be nice. Just be nice.
I realized today that I would rather accomplish nothing, earn nothing, end up no where, live in a box behind Walmart then get somewhere or become something by not being nice. Life is too short. And you have no idea what a person has been through, what their life story is. So how dare you cut them down, be short or rude to them? You don't know. The only thing we DO KNOW is that being nice is always better. Just be nice. And the shitty thing is sometimes nice goes unnoticed. Sometimes you do everything in your power to be nice, and it doesn't matter to the people you hope it does. But I will promise you this, the mean things you do, the times that you aren't nice, those will matter EVERY time. And never in a good way. You will hurt the wrong person, break the heart of someone just trying to do good, or even worse give a mean person a reason to keep being mean. Just be nice. It's harder to be nice sometimes. But do it anyways. Just be nice.
And have fun.
You gotta have fun. The only thing I have begun to believe in as much as being nice is having fun. If you are working your ass off to be a musician, a comedian, a wife, a good friend - it will all be for nothing if you aren't having fun. You may never accomplish what you set out to do. You may always work in that cubicle. There is no telling. You can have fun though. You can make fun, find fun, be fun. Don't take life so seriously. Maybe I don't do things the way people want me to do them. Maybe I am not becoming the person that other people expect me to be. What I wish they did see, though, is that I'm just having fun. And if I get hit by a bus tomorrow, you bet your ass I am going to be glad my friend left you a voicemail telling you I love and miss you. Even if I was drunk. Because, you know what? I was having fun. That is what I will remember. Not how many glasses of wine were too many glasses that night.
And please don't get me wrong. I don't define fun by a number of drinks. But if that is fun at that moment, if I'm having FUN, then I'm doing it right. I have fun going to comedy shows. I have fun talking for hours with my best friend. I have fun freaking out about Andrew McMahon with my girlfriend. I have fun dancing around my house late at night in my underwear and singing at the top of my lungs as if my neighbors can't actually hear me. I have fun making my bosses proud of my work. I have fun making my coworkers laugh. I can have fun anywhere. With anyone. Because YOU GOTTA HAVE FUN. It's SUPPOSED TO BE FUN!
I'll step off my soapbox now. Live your life the way you want to live it. Don't let anyone make you feel like you aren't doing it right. But just try, just a little, to be nice and have fun. I promise you - it's so worth it.
"If you have nothing nice to say don't say anything at all"
"You catch more flies with honey."
"Treat others like you would like to be treated."
I spent most of my life thinking these were things my parents told me in hopes of keeping me out of the principal's office. Or more importantly to save them the trip in to discuss me pushing Timmy down on the playground (or in my case calling Tiffany Mianulli a slut in the 3rd grade). But as I have gotten older and have been dealing with people, be it in my many years in customer service, or just in my personal relationships - all of those things hold so very true. Be nice. Just be nice.
I realized today that I would rather accomplish nothing, earn nothing, end up no where, live in a box behind Walmart then get somewhere or become something by not being nice. Life is too short. And you have no idea what a person has been through, what their life story is. So how dare you cut them down, be short or rude to them? You don't know. The only thing we DO KNOW is that being nice is always better. Just be nice. And the shitty thing is sometimes nice goes unnoticed. Sometimes you do everything in your power to be nice, and it doesn't matter to the people you hope it does. But I will promise you this, the mean things you do, the times that you aren't nice, those will matter EVERY time. And never in a good way. You will hurt the wrong person, break the heart of someone just trying to do good, or even worse give a mean person a reason to keep being mean. Just be nice. It's harder to be nice sometimes. But do it anyways. Just be nice.
And have fun.
You gotta have fun. The only thing I have begun to believe in as much as being nice is having fun. If you are working your ass off to be a musician, a comedian, a wife, a good friend - it will all be for nothing if you aren't having fun. You may never accomplish what you set out to do. You may always work in that cubicle. There is no telling. You can have fun though. You can make fun, find fun, be fun. Don't take life so seriously. Maybe I don't do things the way people want me to do them. Maybe I am not becoming the person that other people expect me to be. What I wish they did see, though, is that I'm just having fun. And if I get hit by a bus tomorrow, you bet your ass I am going to be glad my friend left you a voicemail telling you I love and miss you. Even if I was drunk. Because, you know what? I was having fun. That is what I will remember. Not how many glasses of wine were too many glasses that night.
And please don't get me wrong. I don't define fun by a number of drinks. But if that is fun at that moment, if I'm having FUN, then I'm doing it right. I have fun going to comedy shows. I have fun talking for hours with my best friend. I have fun freaking out about Andrew McMahon with my girlfriend. I have fun dancing around my house late at night in my underwear and singing at the top of my lungs as if my neighbors can't actually hear me. I have fun making my bosses proud of my work. I have fun making my coworkers laugh. I can have fun anywhere. With anyone. Because YOU GOTTA HAVE FUN. It's SUPPOSED TO BE FUN!
I'll step off my soapbox now. Live your life the way you want to live it. Don't let anyone make you feel like you aren't doing it right. But just try, just a little, to be nice and have fun. I promise you - it's so worth it.
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